Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Without Question, This is the Best Ad Ever Posted on Juneau Buy Sell Trade

Let's start with the price, which surely must be a typo. 

*Extremely Austin Powers Voice* 124 MILLLLLION dollars? For a set of silicone workout balls for your vajazzle? Like I'm pretty sure you could buy Jennifer Lopez's Malibu estate for that. (And it comes with free Kegel balls!)

Then there's the qualifier that they're "brand new" which we must further clarify means she "didn't try them out [her]self.”

This is a relief, since prior use would obvs be kind of a deal-breaker. Like there are some things you can buy used no problem. For example: a dresser, a car, a rug, or a kitchen table. 

Then there are other things. Things that go in intimate places. Things that are really a one-time and/or one-person only use-type situation. Underpants, mattresses (arguably), butt plugs, syringes, Q-Tips, and anything else that has encountered bio-hazardous substances or “areas” of any kind. IMHO, Kegel weights fall into this category.

Next, there's the Kegel weight--or ball(?)--itself. 

I'm trying to remember when I first realized the Kegel "workout" existed. It was definitely before "pelvic floor" became a trendy target-area of yoga, but sometime after male gynecologist Henry Arnold Kegel “invented” it. It might have been on my first visit to the gynecologist at fifteen, or it might have been something my mother told me about. 

Regardless, I recall being surprised at discovering this superpower which had so many surprising uses. The pelvic floor muscles could be flexed in secret right there in Mr. Rapapport's earth sciences class! Just for fun! They could be deployed on command in . . . erm . . . "intimate settings." They could be used to stop pee from leaking into my Haines Her Way cotton bikini briefs every time I coughed, jumped, or sneezed post-babies! 

Basically these exercises were a miracle.

Finally, there's the idea that there is a “beginner" and "advanced" course of study and practice for Kegel exercises WITH the Kegel weights themselves. Until I read this ad I'm not sure I knew there was a weight system for doing these exercises at all, much less different levels of proficiency. I also read it as "Kegel bells" and not "balls," kind of like barbells or dumbbells which I think is actually a way better name.

All of which leads me to a Christmas song about Kegel bells, based on Silver Bells. You're welcome!

Kegel bells, Kegel bells
It's toning time for your Kitty
Make ‘em squeeze 
It’s a breeze 
Soon you’ll have a strong vajay!

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