Monday, February 5, 2018

Here's How THIS Lady Eats Doritos!


Has your “JFC, Are They Fucking Kidding Me with This” file gotten a little thin lately or nah? 
Probably nah, is the sad answer. 

Just when you thought nothing could possibly mark the onward march of social progress like Reba McEntire becoming the first ever female Colonel Sanders, Doritos has introduced LADY-FRIENDLY DORITOS, Y’AAAALLLL!!!

Pepsi, which owns Doritos (who knew?!) has apparently decided that all publicity is good publicity and is now making dainty and quiet chips for the ladies. 

According to a spokeswoman at Doritos market research, the “young guys” loud and proud “love their Doritos," but the ladies are harboring SHAME. 

Specifically, dudebros:
Lick their fingers with GREAT GLEE, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose the taste of that FLAVOUR, and the broken chips in the bottom . . . WOMEN WOULD LOVE TO DO THE SAME BUT THEY DON’T. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers GENEROUSLY and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the FLAVOUR into their mouth. (All emphasis added for effect).

I am raising my hand high and JUMPING UP at counsel table in the case of Feminism v. Doritos because I was not a part of this focus group. 

This is legit EXACTLY how I eat a bag of Doritos, at least once a week month year:

1. I pull into Breeze-In on Douglas (Alaska) and take stock of the different Doritos flavors available to me. Do I want “Blaze” which is like “Licking a Volcano?” Or should I go for original (a classic)? Or perhaps Cool Ranch? Nine times out of ten, I select Cool Ranch for Men.

2. I glance at the “nutrition" info on the back of the bag and quickly calculate that this not-very-large- bag of chips is 25% of my caloric intake for the day, silently say Fuck It, and pay for my purchase. I smile and wink at the male cashier so he knows I’m not a lesbian.

3. I then return to my car and tear open the bag with GREAT GLEE, allowing several chips to tumble out onto the floor mat where I promptly pick them up and eat those ones first, in compliance with the five second rule.

4. As I drive to retrieve or deposit my kids to or from whatever Kid Uber destination they’ve just directed me, I GENEROUSLY shove as many Doritos into my face as my mouth will hold. Then I open my windows no matter how cold it is and CRUNCH AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE FOR ALL TO HEAR. Think "driving a low-riding tricked out hoopty through the South Bronx in the 80's," except instead of thumping base, I am blasting MOTHER FUCKING MAN-CRUNCH.

5. I arrive at dance or figure skating or soccer or whatever, and make sure I save enough crumbs and FLAVOUR to make a YOOGE spectacle out of dumping all of the dust and crumbs into my mouth with a dramatic flourish as all of the other moms look on in horror. In fact, I like to open the foil packet all the way so it’s a flat piece of wrapper and lick it until I can see my reflection to re-apply my lip gloss. (Pro tip: A licked-up piece of Doritos foil makes a great compact mirror!)

6. I then muse aloud to no one in particular that you should really be able to order Cool Ranch Dust online, and although I have researched it MANY times, it does not appear to be available.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I would buy quiet Doritos, but then where would I find my voice? Sorry, but THIS lady will not be silenced by the processed food patriarchy.


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