Saturday, February 17, 2018

Vagina Wigs Are a Thing That Now Exists

And that says all you need to know about 2018. 

Vagina Wigs made their debut at New York Fashion Week courtesy of South Korean designer Kaimin. Per Post reporter Charlotte Willis a Vagina Wig is--
Also known as a merkin, as Urban Dictionary informs us. It turns out the spiked hair extensions, which look exactly like mini mohawks pointing out perfectly from the crotch, were worn by prostitutes beginning in the 1600s after shaving their pubic hair for various health and maintenance reasons.
Various. Health. And. Maintenance. Reasons. FASCINATING! I can't for the life of me imagine the true history of this trend, and I'm not really interested in researching it for fear of what it will do to the cookies on my browser and the amount of spam I receive. 

So I'm just going to make it up. 

I guess sex workers (not PROSTITUTES, Charlotte. Get with the times), must have decided that pubes were gross because . . . um . . . contagious crabs that they'd get from all their customers. But the full-on vaguely pedophiliac-creeper-esque Brazilian look was not yet on trend, nor was the "landing strip." And they didn't want to disappoint anyone, so they had to make their junk look like Pat Benatar.

I encourage you to zoom in on the picture because it's amazing. A vagina wig is basically nipple pasties, but for the vagina, and it's very hard for me to picture any situation in which I would wear a Vagina Mohawk. 

Like really, here's what would have to happen, followed by the chances of these things happening on a scale of 1-10.

1. I would have to shave my junk bald (0)
2. I would have to decide I needed a wig for my vaj (-6,000)
3. I would buy a wig for my vaj (-8,000)
4. I'd decide I needed that wig to look like a mohawk (7)

Please understand that at a certain point in my life, I pretty much gave up on hair maintenance in that "department," absent a beach-related emergency, which is rare in Alaska. As far as I'm concerned, it takes enough time and money to maintain the western-beauty standard of hair that people actually SEE--like on my head, face, and occasionally legs and armpits. 

I simply don't have the bandwidth for the rest of it. 

But if I did, I CERTAINLY wouldn't go through all the trouble to get rid of my pubes only to cover up the nice clean job I'd just done and make them look exactly the same again. 

At the risk of sounding sacrilegious, this is very similar to a custom I've never fully understood in ultra-religious Judaism, in which women shave their heads only to don a wig—called a sheitel—that looks exactly like regular hair.

That's what this is. It's a cooter sheitel. Kaimin has put the hot cooter in Haute Couture, and I am seeeeriously not here for it.

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