Friday, February 23, 2018

Denali is Covered in Shit, You Guys

And if there’s a better metaphor for 2018, I don't know what it is.

North America’s highest peak and the tallest land-based mountain on earth—the mighty majestic Denali, land of the Koyukon Athabascan people, the stuff of dreams and nightmares, elusive, mercurial, mysterious—

She’s covered in turds, y’all!

According to Sam Friedman’s report in the Fairbanks Daily News Miner, climbers have been dropping their physically well-conditioned, lentil-fueled deuces all over the West Buttress route, and the Khalitna glacier has failed to magically grind them into invisible deuce dust as hoped.

As it turns out, in climbing as in life, shit don’t stay buried; and now the federal government has been forced to intervene. 

No more will climbers be able to crap all over Cassin Ridge and just deposit a steaming pile like a labradoodle in your backyard. 


They’re gonna have to scoop their own poop into special biodegradable bags, freeze it into heavy poopsicles, LITERALLY buy it an airplane ticket to Talkeetna, and take it right on home as a souvenir!

If you get to Camp 4 though, you can stash your poopsicles in a special designated crevasse. 

Side bar: do you love how I’m just throwing these names around like I know what I’m talking about? Meanwhile I haven’t been anywhere near Denali in over a decade. I don’t know a belay from a banana. And I’d sooner eat a cyanide and strychnine quesadilla than try to climb a wall of ice with a rope; it would be a much quicker death for me.

Like this would not be a problem for me at ALL. I’d get to the bottom of Denali and shit my pants before I even got one crampon on my foot, so maybe I’m not in the best position to bemoan the shitty condition of God’s Majesty.


It seems a little sad and oh so apt. Also on mountains as in life, shit rolls downhill, and the breathtaking spiritual beacon that is Denali is no exception to the rules of gravity and tough luck.

Shit-spackled Denali, you guys. We have quite literally reached Peak 2018.

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