Monday, February 12, 2018

My Family Literally Has the Same Conversation Every Weekday Morning and This is How it Goes

[Scene: Typical weekday morning car shuttle clusterfuck in which we all drive to school and work together. Geoff drives. He drops off Paige, then me, then Isaac. Don’t ask why we do it this way. We just do. Suffice it to say it’s not my idea and I’ll leave it at that because to explain it would take a whole other blog post I don’t have time for right now]

Geoff: Holy shit. Who was the last person to drive this car? [Turns to me]

Me: I assume it was me; I’m the only other licensed driver in our household.

Geoff: How short are you?

Me: The same height I’ve been for 26 years.

Geoff: Every time I get in this car after you drive it the radio is blasting top 40, the seat is pulled up practically into the windshield, and the seat warmer is set to 175 degrees. [Turns to Isaac and Paige]: Do you guys have your backpacks, jackets, and lunches?



Geoff: I believe I’ve said MANY times that the price of admission to this vehicle is your backpacks, lunches, and jackets. I don’t understand how we do this every day and why no one ever lis—

Paige: But I left my skating bag back there and ha—

Geoff: Don’t interrupt me! Just go get your stuff!

[Isaac and Paige both get out of car and get the shit they know they are supposed to get every single morning before this part of the conversation happens, then get back into car]

Geoff: [Turns radio to NPR]

Isaac: Can we listen to Mix 106?

Me: Yeah, can we? It’s like for whatever reason every time I want to hear the news there’s a 15 minute human interest story about some guy who just fulfilled his lifelong dream of building a combination yurt/rowboat. Like I just don’t give a fuck, ya know?

Geoff: Fine.

Isaac: [2 minutes into a Katy Perry song]: Why does she "ride him like a roller coaster?”

Ugh you’re so STUPID, Isaac!

Isaac: Mom, Paige called me stupid!

Me: [Grateful for distraction from the roller coaster question] [To myself quietly]: Why do they play songs about Katy Perry riding Juicy J at 7:45 a.m.? [To Paige]: Paige, don’t call your brother stupid.

Geoff: Here’s that seven inches of snow we were supposed to get that’s actually half an inch. Why is there no snow? I can’t believe there’s still no snow. This winter is so fucked.

Me: Dude, you have to stop talking about it. It's so annoying. Talking about how little snow there is isn’t going to make more snow appear. Also, you're kind of in denial about global warming.

Geoff: Dude you have to stop picking your face with that thing. Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to tweeze your eyebrows in a moving vehicle on ice? Why can't you just sit still? Why do you always have to be doing shit with your phone or the tweezers or whatever? Instead of retweeting Trump’s status update, how about you use that phone for something useful and tell us when the snow is coming. [Pulls into roundabout at Paige’s school] I don’t understand all the people who park in this circle. You’re not supposed to park here. It’s a very dangerous situation. Everyone thinks the rules don’t apply to them. All of these fucking parents are out here running up mountains every weekend and kayaking around Douglas and they can’t park in a fucking parking lot to walk their kids 50 yards into school? They have to park their giant pickup truck in the fire lane like the sign says "FIRE LANE EXCEPT FOR [NAME REDACTED]?" Honestly some of these
 hippies are the most selfish people on earth, it’s kind of ironic. [Turns to kids]: If I ever catch you guys acting like the rules don't apply to you I'm gonna be PISSED.

Paige: [Gets out of car]

Me: Bye honey!

Paige: Bye Mommy!

Me: [To Geoff] So say something to the school.

Geoff: No way. I’m not going to be THAT guy.

Me: Then why do you have to keep mentioning it then?

Geoff: Can’t you just let me mention it? Is it really that horrible for you?

Me: Do you really want me to answer that?

Isaac: I have to pooooooooooop.

Geoff: Isaac, how many times have we discussed that you should poop BEFORE we leave the house in the morning?

Isaac: But I didn’t have to go then!

Me: Don’t worry, we’re almost at my work, you can poop there.

Isaac: But there’s too much traaaaaaaaafic. I’m going to exploooooode! I’m the unluckiest boy in the WOOOOOORLD!!!!

Me: Yes, you're right out of a Charles Dickens novel. 

Isaac: Haha, you said "DICK," mom!

Geoff: [Driving up Main Street toward the Capitol Building] [To pedestrian]: GO GO GO GO OH MY GOD JUST GO!! I don’t understand why pedestrians never want to take the right of way. It’s a very dangerous situation – like you have the right of way. Take it! And why is this guy out here with his dog off leash in the middle of downtown on a weekday? And how are all these people walking around in these shoes? And who thinks this is a good place to pull over? Is this person on fucking quaaludes? I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I just don't get it.

Me: You realize you sound like a grouchy old man, right? [Takes Isaac inside to poop, then back out again].

Geoff: Don’t forget we have [insert whatever thing we have] tonight. See you at 5, love you, bye!

Me: [To Isaac]: Do good work in school, love you [Tries to make physical contact]

Isaac: [Cringes in revulsion] NO KISS!!!!! NO KISS!!!!

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