Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Alaska 360 Head Swivel Should Be an Olympic Event

How is this even a thing? That’s the question I ask myself every couple of years when I watch the Winter Olympics. 

The Summer Olympics, not so much. Swimming and running. Okay, I get that. Even parts of the Winter Olympics are familiar. Ice hockey? Sure, I've seen a few NHL fist fights on TV, with the whole jersey-over-the-head thing. Figure skating? Who could forget Tanya Harding and Blades of Glory? And Juneau is a skiers town, if not exactly a ski town.

Okay, fine. 

But curling, luge, and aerial ski jumping? How is that a thing that people get into? Like for real what is the process? 

Take aerial ski jumping. 

First, I assume you have to be wealthy, because skiing almost everywhere is expensive. Then you have to have a lot of time to practice hurtling yourself 200 feet into in the air over and over and over again. Then you also have to somehow not become paralyzed, which after basically ONE fuck up, that's exactly what you are.

By the time you get to the Olympics as an aerial ski jumper, you're almost guaranteed to win at least bronze because there are only three people left on earth who aren't broke literally or figuratively by now. 

Basically what I'm saying is that you're one of a tiny handful of people on EARTH with enough time, money, and intact vertebrae to continue doing this year after year, all for five seconds of pseudo-fame (and an adrenaline rush, I guess).

Is that actually how it goes? Probably not for everyone. Like I'm sure there's some up-by-the-bootstraps story of an unlikely Columbian aerial ski jumper who was sponsored by the Gates Foundation and won 12 gold medals and they made a Lifetime Hallmark ABC After School Special about him, but let's not kid ourselves: 

Aerial ski jumping is by and for rich ass Aryans and everyone knows it.

Here's one sport that's a bit more universal, at least if you live in Alaska, and it's sort of an all-season event. I call it the Alaska 360 Head Swivel and here's how it goes.

[Scene: Two friends in a busy coffee shop in downtown Juneau or really any other part of the state]

Friend 1: [Leans in to whisper] So did you hear about [insert name of friend/legislator/relative/divorcing couple]
Friend 2: [Eyes widen, conspiratorial whisper] NOOOOOO what happened?!
Friend 1:

Okay, sorry just checking, you know, JUNEAU.
Friend 2: Oh yeah,TOTES.

Cue the Olympic theme music, because Friend 1 has just fucking OWNED the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, which is a required element for all smack talking and tea-spilling routines in this state. If you live here long enough, it's happened to you. On an airplane, in a bar, at a coffee shop. That sinking, "Uh oh, he's right behind me, isn't he" moment.

It hasn't happened to me in a long time, and why? Because I'm the Michael Fucking Phelps of the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, that's why. 

See you in Beijing.

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