Thursday, February 1, 2018

This is Basically How Netflix and Chill Goes in My House

Scene: 9:00 p.m., kids in bed.

Geoff: [Picks up remote]. Wanna do a Satan? [a.k.a. Occult Crimes]

Me: Nah, we've watched all of those. See the check marks? Let’s do a Forensic. [a.k.a. Forensic Files]

Geoff: [Starts scrolling] How about this one [starts reading, doesn’t need/wear glasses, unlike me] . . . "When a prime suspect in a young girl’s mur—"

Me: Nope. No kids. I can't deal with murdered kids.

Geoff: Okaaaaay. How about this one: “When a graduate student disappears and is presumed dead—"

Me: Ugh no! No missing young women!

Geoff: Why do you even like this show again?

Me: Just keep going.

Geoff: Okay . . . “When a woman is raped and murdered—"

Me: No rape!

Geoff: [Exasperated sigh]. We're running out of options for acceptable crimes. How about “A family of four is gunned down in what appears to be an interrupted rob—"

Me: Dude, I said no kids.

Geoff: Oh yeah. Wait wait, here’s one: “After a young mother is killed and her 4 year-old daughter is brutally assaul—"


Geoff: I was just kidding about that one. What about this: “When a man dies after a hydraulic jack slips and drops a truck on him, investigators soon discover that it wasn’t just a tragic accident."

Me: Oh that sounds good!

Geoff: Fuckin’  FINALLY. [Presses play, starts watching]

5 minutes later ....

Me: Oh wait. I’ve seen this one. I think I watched it at a hotel on a work trip.

Geoff: Are you fucking serious right now?

Me: Serious as murder.

Geoff: Fine. [Returns to home screen] How about this one: “When hikers in Alaska discover . . .”

Me: No Alaska. That’s too close to home. Also I’m super sick of Alaska reality TV.

Geoff: Can you just come over here and do this?

Me: No I’m too comfy on this couch right now.

Geoff: Okaaaaaaaaaay. Here’s one: “After a real estate tycoon leaves a will with instructions to follow in the event of his violent death, his skull is found riddled with bullets.”

Me: YES!

Geoff: So you’re saying you don’t care about a real estate tycoon getting shot in the head?

Me: I mean, I’m not saying I’m happy about it, it’s just less sad to me than women and children being raped and murdered somehow.

Geoff: How is that?

I don’t know, it just is. Like an old rich white dude getting murdered seems less traumatizing to watch for some reason
. I’m too tired to defend myself right now. 

Geoff: If you’re not careful I’m going to update our life insurance policy.

Me: If YOU’RE not careful I’m going to make you a “health shake” with antifreeze.

Geoff: If YOU’RE not careful I’m going to inject your butt with undetectable traces of succinylcholine in the night.

Me: Shut up we are missing this entire episode.

Geoff: How many bullets do you think it takes to be “riddled” with bullets?

Me: I’d say at least three. Two is just two bullets. I think anything above three is probably a riddling.

Geoff: I was thinking more like ten.

Me: I don’t think there’s a bright line rule on this, but I’m going on record right now to say that I’d be offended if you chose a gun as your method of murder and did anything short of a riddle to me.

Geoff: Yeah, I think the more bullets and stab wounds the more you love someone.

Me: That’s what the experts seem to say. Definitely the more stab wounds the more you love someone because the experts always say that’s the most intimate crime. If you really loved me you’d stab me at LEAST 400 times.

Geoff: Weren’t we going to write a play about this?

Me: Maybe when our kids go to college.

Geoff: These cops are literally the dumbest people I've ever heard. [dumb-sounding dude voice] "Blood spatter indicated there had been a bloody struggle.” NO SHIT, Detective Geinius. Can I switch this to Taladega Nights now?

Me: Yeah sure, I’m going to sleep.

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