Sunday, April 2, 2017

Please Help Me Understand Pee Wee Pumps

No, I'm serious. 

I honestly need to understand WTF Pee Wee Pumps is all about and how this is even a thing. A quick visit to the website of the Lancaster, Pennsylvania baby-girl attire company fails to adequately answer the question

To show you what I mean by that, I'm just going to copy and paste the story of Pee Wee Pumps without comment, because it is way, way, WUUHHHAAAAAAY better than anything I could EVAH write describing it:
Fashion-forward moms love to dress up their little girls with the cutest bows and outfits, and are always looking for the perfect pair of shoes to complete any outfit. Now they’ve found them with Pee Wee Pumps – infant crib shoes with a collapsible heel! They’re just like mom’s favorite pair of pumps only in a miniature size. Pee Wee Pumps will be your daughter’s first fashion statement.

The idea for Pee Wee Pumps first originated in 2009, when founder Michele Holbrook first came across a pair of high heel infant crib shoes. After telling herself that if she ever had a baby girl that she’d buy them, she was blessed with a beautiful daughter in 2012.

However, she wasn’t able to find the original infant crib heels, and after searching endlessly for a pair, she finally found one on an online auction site. But to her dismay and disappointment, they were flawed when she received them. They just wouldn’t stay on her daughter’s foot!

Determined to fix the problem, Michele went right to work modifying the structure of the tiny and fashionable high heels infant crib shoes. After two years of brainstorming, she finally came up with a totally new design that caters to your baby. The flexible soft shoe will form to your daughter’s foot, whether it’s narrow or wide, while its adjustable strap allows the shoe to stay on and provides a comfortable fit.

Our first model is the Diva, which is an all-black high heel infant crib shoe that’s essential to any baby wardrobe. But we also have 6 different colors and patterns for fashion savvy moms looking for shoes to match all of their baby girl’s outfits. We’ll soon be adding more styles to the shop, so your baby girl can be the best dressed baby in your mom’s group!
Okay, I lied. I have a few comments after all, but first, the question that remains unanswered: "Why in the name of alllllll the fucks would you want to dress your infant daughter up like she's in a baby version of the Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? 

Someone must want to, though. A lot of someones, in fact. Enough for a whole successful company. It sounds like Michele put a lot of thought and effort into this. She spent "two years brainstorming" after searching "endlessly" only to be "dismayed" by the inadequate number and quality of infant stilettos in the world. 

Basically, this was the Kim Kardashian version of searching for the Higgs boson particle.

Yes, Michele put a lot of thought into this. A LOT of thought. AND determination. Into fixing "the problem." THE PROBLEM OF NOT FINDING A HIGH HEEL SHOE AND OTHER SEXY ADULT CLOTHING FOR YOUR SIX MONTH OLD WHO CAN'T USE THE TOILET MUCH LESS WALK.

I get that the answer to "why do some moms want this" is "because they think it's cute to turn their human child into a living doll and play expert-level competitive dress-up with their friends and their friends' living dolls.

But WHY?! I know I sound like a snob or a Debbie Downer, but I'm honestly not trying to be either. Please someone just explain this to me. This is SOOOO much weirder and creepier than it is cute. It is beyond weird and creepy, and I seriously don't get it. 

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