Friday, April 14, 2017

I Have All the Questions About Butt-Window-Zipper Jeans and Feather Brows

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd type. And yet, here we are. I have some MANY questions about these two trends: butt-window/butt-zipper jeans, and eyebrows made to look like feathers.

Let's begin with the butt-window jeans. Presumably, there are only two basic reasons that you would need jeans with a zipper and/or a window in the butt: (1) ingress/egress; and (2) exhibitionism. 

In my view, these are solutions in search of a problem.

As long as pants have existed, humans who wear them have been doing just fine without a zipper or window in the ass section to accomplish excretion, a rectal thermometer temperature-taking, or . . . ?

Side bar: remember the rectal thermometer? Isaac was home sick with a fever this week, and as he complained about sticking a digital thermometer under his tongue for five seconds, I schooled him on what it was like to get your temperature taken in 1979. 

Your mom whipped out a cold, glass poison mercury stick, stuck it in some generic off-brand Vaseline, told you to lie on your stomach, and shoved that thing straight up your ass where she left it for three minutes. You wanted to stay home and watch cartoons on the couch? Fine. You had to WANT that shit, and EARN it.

Back to the zipper/window jeans, though. It seems like taking your pants down would be just as quick and easy as unzipping them from the back, I mean, right? And if your ass is so amazing, I feel like there are better ways to highlight those assets than a clear window or zipper pouch. What happened to good old fashioned Spandex?

Moving on to feather eyebrows, I don't mean to brag but I'm a step ahead on this trend. That's not to say that I want two pigeon feathers above my eyes instead of eyebrows, just that I have two pigeon feathers above my eyes instead of eyebrows. 

To fully accomplish the look of the model in the picture below, however, I'd have to punch myself once--very hard--in each eye. Since I feel like doing that about fifteen times a day every day, it shouldn't take me long to complete this look.

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