Monday, April 24, 2017

Nothing Could be More Awkward than This

I wish I'd been at the board meeting where the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons hotel came up with the "Pretty Woman for a Day" promotion. I had to double check to make sure this wasn't fake news. 

It wasn't.

During this “glamorous weekend getaway for two,” you and your bae will be “the star of your own love story” inspired by the film. The “experience” starts with a “personal shopping consultation on Rodeo Drive,” a ride in a Rolls-Royce, a "shoeless picnic," and an evening at the opera that allows “you and your sweetheart to mimic classic scenes for exclusive photography opportunities.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Let’s review some of these “classic scenes,” beginning with a brief overview of the 1990 legendary rom-com starring Julia Roberts and Richard “Gerbil-in-the-Ass Urban Legend(?)” Gere, whose entire acting range consists of 10 different squints.

In order to imbue this experience with verisimilitude, you’d need to reenact ALL of the scenes, not just the “fairy tale” ones.

You'd have to pretend to be a down-on-your-luck sex worker. You'll start the experience by standing out on Hollywood Boulevard in Go-Go boots when your bae comes cruising around the corner in a fancy car he doesn’t know how to drive, and you’ll charge him $20 to take him to the hotel.

You’ll also need to bring your sassy friend Kit DeLuca along to give you tips on how to handle various tricks, and almost get raped by one of your boyfriend’s gross attorneys played by a George Costanza doppelganger. That guy needs to be part of the experience too, no?

You’d also need to sing in a bathtub while listening to Prince, feel clueless at a polo match, and be humiliated during that “personal shopping consultation on Rodeo drive,” where you’d first go in wearing Lucite heels and pleather, get treated like shit, and then come back in with bae all dressed up and have your ass kissed from here to next Tuesday because now you look like a total baller.

At the end, you’d pretend to break up, only to have bae come back and give you flowers on a fire escape and “rescue” you from your entire life.


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