Sunday, April 9, 2017

What Would You Do if You Found a Dead Bat in Your Salad?

This is LEGIT a question that someone in Florida had to answer for themselves. From Buzzfeed News:
Two people in Florida are getting checked for rabies after they say they found a dead bat in their prepackaged salad. Yes. A dead bat.

They had already eaten some of the leafy greens before finding a "decomposed organism" in a 5-ounce clear container of Fresh Express salad, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

On Saturday, the company said it was recalling its Organic Marketside Spring Mix "out of an abundance of caution."

The salad mix was distributed exclusively to Walmart stores in the Southeastern region of the US, such as Alabama, Georgia, and North Carolina. Walmart has since pulled the product from its shelves.
To quote a friend on a different topic recently, this is "the nopiest nope that ever noped." But what would you do? I had to think about it for a minute, but here's basically what would happen in chronological order:

1. I would scream bloody murder.

2. I would then immediately projectile vomit, because the only thing that disgusts me more than mice is flying mice, who BEE TEE DUBS carry some of the most contagious diseases known to mammal-kind. And the only thing that grosses me out more than living mice and bats are dead ones. In this way, I am most definitely a screeching princess-diva type. Like, seeing a mouse is insta-vermin NYC apartment-living PTSD, and I jump up on the nearest stool and shriek as loudly as possible. I TRULY CANNOT EVEN with mice, much less FLYING MICE.

3.  Of course, the next thing I would do is "pics or it didn't happen." There is no way I would open a bat salad without instantly documenting it all over Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and O.H.M.

4. Next, I would see how many dishes I could invent that involve bats or bat salad. Like a kale Caesar with grilled bat, or bat wing slaw, or braised bat with goat cheese and roasted beets over micro-greens. This would entertain me long enough to recover from the trauma of finding a FUCKING DEAD BAT IN MY SALAD.

5. Finally, I would plot the best legal strategy by which I could recover a bazillion dollar tort settlement for negligent infliction of emotional distress. I would donate a third of the proceeds to a bat sanctuary, because come on. I'm not a MONSTER. The second third I would use to do everything in my power to ensure that no one ever found a dead bat in their salad ever again, including forcing Fresh Express Organic Marketside Spring Mix to change its name to "Dead Bat Cave Salad Mix." The last third I would use to hire a personal chef so I would never again need to risk opening a bag of salad and finding A FUCKING DEAD BAT INSIDE IT.

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