Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Health Advisory: You Might Have Democratitis


HEALTH ADVISORY

Democratitis is a serious, contagious, airborne illness endemic to the United States and most prevalent in the summer and fall months of even-numbered years. It can also be transmitted by contact with donkeys, elephants, and eagles, and if left untreated, may result in profound disillusionment and/or death.

Democratitis is most common among 18-65 year-old Americans, particularly those who maintain a steady diet of hourly information from an algorithm-curated internet echo chamber delivered by social media.

Contact your health care provider immediately if you experience any of the following:
  • Intermittent Wiki-leaking from your Assange.
  • Hard, messy data dumps.
  • Hacking cough.
  • Depression, anxiety, and shortness of breath.
  • Mysterious pangs in your legislated lady parts.
  • Migraine headaches.
  • Nausea and vomiting.
  • Acute pain in the feels.
  • Carotenemia (increased orange pigment in the skin).
  • Blood coming out of your whatever.
  • Suddenly going from a "10" to a "5." 
  • Losing.
  • Sadness.
  • Lightweight choking.
  • Dopiness.
  • Declining ratings.
  • Crooked urine stream.
  • Dark feelings of disbelief and imminent DISASTER and catastrophe.
  • Urge to use ALL CAPS, BOLD FONT, AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Democratitis is sometimes confused with and therefore misdiagnosed as Toxic Masculinity Syndrome or Internalized Misogyny, so don't wait or take chances. 

Contact a medical professional today.

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