Monday, February 15, 2016

This Octopus Probably Had a Worse Valentine's Day Than You

Imagine you're a 70-pound captive octopus named Kong living in the Seattle aquarium. Your favorite day of the year is February 14, because that's when your handlers let you wrap your eight tentacles around some hot female octopussy and get your cephalopod rocks off, thus spreading your genes through the North Pacific in perpetuity.

Granted, a bunch of humans are watching and taking pics with their cell phones (the perverts), but it's all good because you live for this. Literally.

Well, not this year. Seems Kong ate a few too many crabs and fish, because he outweighs his potential mates by 30-40 pounds, and aquarium staff is afraid Kong will eat them too! News outlets are reporting that, sadly, the aquarium has "canceled the sex act" due to "cannibalism concerns." (By the way, that sounds like a great excuse to get out of an unwanted booty call. The text thread would be phenomenal: "Sorry, can't make it. Scared you're going to turn my ass cheeks into Chicken McNuggets." Contacts: Delete!)

But despite having four times as many arms as we do, octopi don't text, so cannibalism seems a rather maladaptive reproductive technique. Then again, since octopi die shortly after mating, I guess it makes some sense. Might as well go out with a bang and make a last meal out of your girlfriend right after you spray her clutch of 10,000 eggs with a gallon of octo-spooge.

Now instead of humping on a lady octo who's just been offered up to him like a live mixed grill, Kong will be released into Puget Sound to fend for himself. Good luck to him finding a girlfriend he won't eat first.

Yup, it's pretty clear. Unless you were all set to bonk behind glass but someone cock-blocked you due to fears of cannibalism, Kong the octopus definitely had a WAY worse Valentine's Day than you.

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