Friday, February 19, 2016

I Will Not Rest Until the Whole Entire Internet Agrees With Me!, by Bro Who Needs the Whole Entire Internet to Agree With Him

Ever since I could read and write at the age of three--up to and including my recent graduation from Stanford B-school--I have worked tirelessly toward a single, laudable goal: 

To make the Whole Entire Internet agree with me.

From trivial debates like whether it’s okay to pee in the shower, does cilantro really taste bad or is it all in your head, or should you even bother with flat sheets; all the way on up to the important issues of our day like whitesplaining #BlackLivesMatter and immigration reform to mansplaining Hillary Clinton, climate change, and why Antonin Scalia was actually a cool bro, I will not rest until the Whole Entire Internet agrees with me.

I will spend all day every day if I have to—and I do—scrolling through Twitter and Facebook and perusing the comments sections of CNN, Vice News, Talking Points Memo, Gawker, Slate, Salon, Huffington Post, NYT, Deadspin, and any other online publication with a comments section, so that I may use said comments section as a turnkey bully pulpit for my half-baked arguments, thus furthering my noble goal of making the Whole Entire Internet agree with me about something.

And not just something. Everything.

Moms: is it safe to vaccinate your child? (I have a firm opinion on this topic, despite not being a mom myself). Why are there so many homeless people in San Francisco? (I do not enjoy seeing homeless people on my way to work at my tech startup, and feel the city should address the eyesore). It that chocolate bar you're eating really bean-to-bar, or is it a fraud? (Ferreting out fraud in both the artisanal chocolate bar-making and craft beer communities is one of my core concerns).

I will banter back and forth until the Whole Entire Internet grows tired of me, capitulates and concedes my point, or otherwise gives firm indication of my rectitude. I will outlast any troll and bombard with specious "facts" anyone who fails to concur with whatever point I am trying to make, be it big or small.

Because when it comes to sheets, cilantro, climate change, moms, vaccines, black people, homelessness, and artisanal chocolate bars, there can be only one right answer, and only I have it. Yes, it's a 
difficult, thankless job, but someone has to do it. Bear witness! For today I say to you truly: 

I will not rest until the Whole Entire Internet agrees with me.

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