Monday, February 1, 2016

That Awkward Moment When Your Back Fat is on TV and You are Neither an Actor Nor a Back Fat Model

I realize that most readers will not have experienced this moment, but perhaps I can describe it in detail sufficient to make it relatable.

Imagine for a minute that your job requires you to appear on the Alaskan version of C-Span every once in awhile, testifying on legislation. You get dressed in the morning knowing every legislative hearing is filmed, and that a legislative hearing is always a formal affair. You need to look your best, so that’s what you try to do. You select what you think will be a suitable outfit (and which looks good from the front), do your makeup, and pluck your eyebrows extra hard.

But because you don’t have eyes in the back of your head, you fail to realize that your bra is on too tight and your shirt is too clingy, and that these two sartorial faux pas will ultimately conspire to broadcast your back fat into the living rooms of 750,000 souls over a geographic territory of some 663,000 square miles.

It’s not a great moment when you realize this, especially because you’re focused on the task at hand: Properly discussing legislation before an intimidating committee of elected representatives.

It’s not until you get back to your desk and watch the archived footage of your testimony to check it for error in both tone and substance that you discover the cameras were trained in extreme close-up on your back fat for almost the entire hearing.

It’s only about ten minutes of testimony, but you need to watch it three times before you can focus on the content due to the BFD, or “Back Fat Distraction.” Being neither an actor nor a back fat model, a sense of disappointment begins to sink in as you realize your back fat is the undisputed star of this show.

Are there agents for back fat models? If so, perhaps someone can put me in touch with one. I have a tape I can send along.

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