Saturday, February 6, 2016

Surely My Self Confidence Will Plummet If I Do Not Put Summer's Eve Douche in My Vajazzle This Valentine's Day

Ah, Valentine's Day.

I'd almost forgotten about it, until my kids came home with instructions to make Valentines for everyone in their respective classes. Then I forgot about it again, until I looked at the Editor's Blog on Talking Points Memo

I was interested in Josh Marshall's editorial about the price of Ted Cruz's assholery, but was momentarily distracted by the price of douche. Not Ted Cruz--a figurative douche. Real, literal douche. Specifically this pink ad banner for Summer's Eve, which I have to believe was intentionally linked to an article about Ted Cruz.

Regardless, I'm glad I saw this ad, which reminds me in a lovely and feminine shade of pink that I'm already confident. I mean, they wouldn't want to imply I have no self esteem. Only that my self-esteem can be measurably improved, i.e., that I can be made extra confident, by blasting poisonous chemicals that smell like a lilac forest into my poonanie.

Sure, douching is not effective for anything other than increasing your risk of infection and pregnancy complications; and the carcinogenic fragrances are linked to cervical cancer and pelvic inflammatory disease.

But what's a little bit of cancer and pelvic inflammation when you could be EXTRA confident and a whole lot less disgusting? Especially on the most important day of your vagina's whole entire year.

Never forget ladies: you're disgusting the way you are, and only carcinogenic cosmetic products designed to make you less disgusting (i.e. more confident) will save you from your own hideous nastiness. Regular showers and basic personal hygiene won't cut it. Not on Valentine's Day, for fuck's sake!

Yup. It's all coming clear to me now. My self confidence will plummet if I do not put Summer's Eve Douche into my vagina this Valentine's Day.

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