Wednesday, July 15, 2015

8 Modern Phenomena, Defined*

Thread Panic: That feeling you get when you think (or know) that you’ve just forwarded an email where some overlooked part of the thread at the very bottom blatantly should not have gone to the recipient.

Fart Calculus: The split-second, subconscious decision-making process your brain engages in where you decide whether you’re going to fart or hold it in, factoring in possible sound, smell, shart potential, people around you, and location of release.

Pee-in-Shower/Sit on Toilet Seat Shame: That feeling of shame you get after admitting to someone that you pee in the shower and/or sit directly on a public toilet seat without thinking twice and they look at you like you’re a disgusting human being, and you know they are probably right.

The Text Cover-Up: When you’re texting several different people at once, and you accidentally text the wrong person, but try to cover it up by reverse-engineering relevancy to whatever conversation you’re having with the erroneously-texted person.

The “No Games/Honesty” Lie: The lie everyone tells each other at the beginning of every relationship in which you mutually insist that you “value honesty” and “don’t like to play games," despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

Fridge Email Sigh: The involuntary sigh emitted upon receipt of an email berating every employee in the office on the condition and revolting contents of the communal refrigerator.

Treadmill Death Spiral: The first five minutes of running on a treadmill when you are convinced for a fact that you will die.

Face/Status Rage: The feeling you get when you see someone's face or their status update on social media and it fills your soul with a boiling rage.

*Of course I should clarify that I have never experienced any of these personally. Let's just say I have "friends" who have.

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