Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I Will Never Be the Same Again After This Devastating News

Is there a God? Is there?! Tell me. Because I am starting to think that not only is there no God, but there's no longer a point to living. Oh, I'm not suicidal per se. I just don't think anyone should be forced to live in a world where the actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are no longer married

But if there IS a God, I would ask Him, Her, or It this and only this: Why? Why God, Why?!

I now divide my life into two distinct time periods. Eras, if you will. The era when Jen & Ben were in a "seemingly rock-solid marriage" of ten long years, and the era--starting yesterday--when Jen & Ben announced through their publicist that they would be "amicably divorcing." 

Pre-J&B and Post-J&B. It's like a really bad PB&J sandwich, where the peanut butter is Botox, the jelly is organic hair product, and the bread is a whole, squishy loaf of straight-up SAD that you smush up into a bread ball and shove into your face while weeping uncontrollably and watching Good Will HuntingCatch & Release, and Daredevil (the 2003 movie in which Jen & Ben co-starred and that cemented their love) for 48 hours on loop without showering or getting up to use the bathroom because you can't take your eyes off these actors and are therefore wearing a Depends adult diaper with urine crystalizing in its crotch by the hour.

I suffered an episode of hysterical blindness when I learned that these two millionaire movie stars have been in "couples therapy for years." In fact, I'm typing this with my eyes closed/hysterically blinded right now and I have no idea if the words I am typing are actually coming out the way I think they are. That's a kind of blindness that happens when you see something insanely fucked up, by the way. For example, a lot of Tweets about Jen & Ben's divorce. 

Naturally, I immediately called my mother (a couple's therapist) and demanded to know how she could look at herself in the mirror knowing she was part of a profession that had failed to salvage for Jen & Ben what Justice Kennedy just last week called "civilization's oldest institution?" I couldn't stop mumbling "this is actually happening this is actually happening" over and over again. My mom couldn't understand why I or anyone else would care about two complete strangers doing something that couples all over America do every single day. And all I could say to that was "Mom, if you have to ask, you'll never know."

Then, as if things could get any worse, it was disclosed that Jen & Ben have been "privately separated for a few months!" Immediately I had to ask: What for the love of all that's holy will become of their three children, Violet, 9, Serpahina, 6, and Samuel, 3!? The answer, provided by TMZ, cushioned the blow: Jen & Ben "will remain living on the same property" in Hollywood with the kids and "will be filing for joint custody." 
If there is a God, He, She or It is at least merciful in this very limited respect.

I'd like to thank everyone who reached out with their thoughts and prayers today. I'm pleading with you to respect my privacy during this difficult time. That said, if you need me I'll be in the fetal position, watching Chasing Amy on an iPad on the floor of my bathroom. You can sign up for a meal train and bring me a carton of chicken Pad Thai (hold the Sriracha, please) and a diet coke (no ice) to eat while I'm doing that. 

Meanwhile, I've set up a GoFundMe page to subsidize the download of the full complement of Ben & Jen's cinematic works. For it is our collective responsibility as a just society to ensure that the tragic dissolution of Jen & Ben's marriage does not mar the storied history and legacy of their craft.

Much appreciated.


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