Monday, July 20, 2015

Maroon 5 Crashed Some Weddings and I Guess That's NOT Supposed to Be My Worst Nightmare?

Regular readers of this blog know that Maroon 5 is second only to Nickelback and Nelson on my list of all-time worst musical nightmares. 

Indeed, the only thing that would make my eyes and ears bleed more profusely than watching Adam Levine croon in person from ten feet away would be watching Adam Levine croon in person from ten feet away with his entire band of random back-up L.A. hipsters at--SURPRISE!!!--MY WEDDING!!!

I did not have a real wedding to speak of, because my fourth worst nightmare (after Nickelback, Nelson, and Maroon 5) is being a "bride," having a "big day" in a white dress, getting rice thrown at my head, wearing diamond jewelry, and generally spending a small fortune to look like Plus-Sized Brunette Barbie with gel tip fingernails that I'm improbably expected to refrain from biting off for 12 hours.

To say that the victims  beneficiaries of Maroon 5's surprise appearance do not share my lack of enthusiasm would be an understatement. To the contrary, the brides involved have what appear to be several consecutive spontaneous orgasms in the face of Adam Levine's stubble, smoldering bedroom eyes, and signature fragrance popping up unannounced at their wedding receptions. And after momentarily considering whether to feel threatened by this sudden display of sexy male pop stars, the grooms appear pleased as well.

So I BEG of you: Take 5 minutes and 6 seconds to watch a video of what can only be described as my worst nightmare realized, in which Maroon 5 sings inspired lines from their song Sugar like "I want that red velvet/I want that sugar sweet/Don't let nobody touch it/Unless that somebody's me/I gotta be your man/There ain't no other way/'Cause girl you're hotter than a Southern California day." 

I just threw up in my mouth and experienced a waking night terror as I typed that, contemplating the strain it must have placed on these five minds to devise an extended lyrical metaphor for a Victoria's Secret Angel's (TM) vagina.

This might be real, or it might be staged. But either way, it's 5:06 of your life you will never get back, and it's worth it.

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