Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Creepy Kids Are The Creepiest

My mother was an orphan and a foster child. And sadly, I've had occasion in my professional life to work on some legal situations involving abused and neglected children. So don't take it the wrong way when I point out the obvious fact that this is one creepy-ass looking kid: 

If this little girl ever showed up on my doorstep (to be counseled or otherwise), I'd run and hide under the nearest piece of furniture and call 911 before she could kill my pet hamster with her bare hands and play a spooky dirge on the piano with two index fingers while staring vacantly into space.

And if the Facebook ad gnomes want to "WOW" me into "becom[ing] a child counselor" in "ALASKA"--for any amount of money--they probably don't want to do it with a kid who's obviously plotting to murder me in my sleep. 

Because this girl looks exactly like the type who sneaks up on you while you're innocently eating some cold leftover General Tso's chicken at midnight, and in the eerie glow of the open refrigerator, starts chanting ANNIE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE (pretend her name was Annie) and then paints this on your dining room wall 666 times in the aforementioned dead hamster's blood while speaking in tongues:

I don't doubt that Annie is perfectly adorable and non-homicidal in real life (like ALL kids . . . right?!) But her class composite photo definitely includes the following classmates:

The only thing that could make Annie creepier would be if she presented herself with this doll tucked under her arm:

Lock your doors, people. This shit is downright terrifying.

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