Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Cats Are My Kryptonite

In researching this post, I discovered that the internet is awash in cats--or "kittehs" as they are known today. 

There are cat pictures everywhere, and debates on the relative merits of cats range from whether cats suck so hard that they should all go extinct as a species, or are so awesome and amazing that they should overtake the planet and repopulate it with a human-cat hybrid.

I can't claim to be on either end of that spectrum. I would never wish or inflict harm on another living creature (unless of course I am eating that creature anonymously in a hot dog bun). I grew up with cats and I liked them as a kid. But sometime between high school and the end of college, I developed a severe allergy to cats, which is the main reason they are my kryptonite.

It's difficult to feel affection for an animal whose dried up flecks of saliva send you into an 18-hour long frenzy of sneezing, welting hives, watering eyes, and asthmatic wheezing. I'm at the point where I can't even set foot in a house with cats, unless I sit very still on a stool somewhere without carpet for less than 20 minutes. No matter how many antihistamines I take before, during, or after a cat encounter, each such encounter makes me want to die harder than the last. So the main reason I can't stand cats is that they make me sick to the point of wanting to die. 

But there are a few other reasons too. 

For example: their piss whose smell permeates everything; their food which makes even the biggest cat lover gag; their puke that looks and smells exactly like their food; their turds that resemble little discarded scoops of chocolate ice cream covered in gray sprinkles of cat litter; their stank-ass attitude; their nasty looks and hissing; the way they sneak up on you and dig their sharp little claws into every piece of fabric you own; and the general lack of fucks they give that you're feeding them gross puke and picking up their ice cream turds and crystalized piss patties every day of their lives. I know people love their cats and I get that, but the entire cat scene is 900 kinds of NOPE for me.

If I ever do get a cat, though, it has to look like this, in order to address the primary source of allergens:

Obviously, this cat looks like the spawn of an evil Gremlin . . .

Cross-bred with Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

And the partially-decapitated old lady from Beetlejuice.

This cat--the only cat I could possibly own--is literally the stuff of nightmares, so I am never getting a cat again.

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