Sunday, July 5, 2015

Sometimes I Think My Kids Are Literally Sucking The Life-Force from My Body

I had one of those long holiday weekends that makes me glad (for my kids) that I'm not a stay-at-home mom. 

I know "this time goes so fast" and "pretty soon they will want nothing to do with [me]." I know I am supposed to "cherish these days" and "be present." I know all that, and yet I also feel like know I'm batting in the 100s in the cherishing and presence department. To extend the baseball metaphor, I can't get off the interstate and I worry I might get sent back down to the minors.

Some highlights from the weekend included:

1. Me losing my shit over our filthy house.
2. Me losing my shit over screen time.

3. Me losing my shit over candy.
4. Me losing my shit over back-talk.
5. Me losing my shit over not listening.
6. Me losing my shit over lack of sleep.
7. Me losing my shit over defiance.
8. Me losing my shit over several varieties of "respect."

9. Me losing my shit over losing my shit.
10. Retreating into the rabbit hole of my iPhone as a result/root cause of all of the above.

You get the idea.

Despite great weather, it was definitely a shit-losing type of a weekend, at the end of which I can't really say to myself yeah, you really made some good memories this weekend. Great job, mom! Not that I say that to myself very often, anyway.

More often, I feel like the life-force has been sucked from my body by two mini-ingrates whom I love uniquely, and who therefore have a unique capacity to make me feel uniquely bad about myself. It's one of those weekends where I am almost positive I gave each of my kids a "memory," but for future psychotherapy; not for the sepia-toned, tattered photo album of Childhood Joy in their minds' eye.

My "Alaska Mom" is a fan of "the adequate parent" theory, which basically holds that all kids really need from a parent is adequacy--that "good enough" is "good enough." As a person with relatively high standards for my relationships, I find this somewhat hard to accept. But for my kids' sake, I sure as hell hope she's right.

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