Wednesday, July 22, 2015

We Need a Third Party Composed Exclusively of Supervillains

The partisan chicanery of the 2016 presidential election cycle is already wearing thin, so I propose a third party composed entirely of supervillains, all of whom would be TOTALLY amazing at being boss of 'Murica! Here's one sentence on why each of these freakazoids would make an amazing prez!* 

Darth Vader from Star Wars: Darth Vader is familiar with nepotism and familial legacy in leadership; he projects the gravitas necessary to dispense with futile diplomacy and pulverize America's enemies using the highest tech weapons available in the galaxy.

The Joker wallpaper

The Joker from Batman: The Joker is a full-blown sociopath with a great sense of humor and a knack for chemical engineering (both of which are key presidential qualities), and every time he issues an executive order through his boutonniere, he'll prompt the public to ask, "Wait, is this a joke?," and because the answer will always be yes, he's sure to keep America laughing through good times and bad.

Smeagol from Lord of the Rings: Scary, old, pale, desiccated, gravel-voiced, and obsessed with "precious" metals, Smeagol has the tenacity, fearlessness, greed, and turkey neck that have often proven necessary prerequisites to win the presidency.

Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmatians: With a two-toned head for business, dubious ties to a puppy mill, improbably high cheekbones, and eyebrows for days, Cruella is this year's quasi-electable token crazy lady who--bonus!--makes an excellent scapegoat for her fellow male chauvinist presidential supervillain hopefuls.

Lex Luthor from Superman: Lex has has been described as a "power-mad American billionaire, business magnate, gifted scientist and inventor, and philanthropist," and let's face it, you can't get any more presidential than that.

Skeletor from He-Man: Skeletor is described as a "muscular blue humanoid who seeks to conquer Castle Grayskull The White House so he can obtain its ancient secrets, which would make him unstoppable and enable him to conquer and rule Eternia  America but his incompetent henchmen's  Cabinet's stupidity always gets in the way---" Again, you can't get more presidential if you tried, unless maybe you're Lex Luthor.

Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter: Voldemort has serious leadership skills consistent with the American Dream and past presidents, as evidenced by the fact that he's a genocidal, megalomaniacal wingnut wizard supremacist preoccupied with pure-blood wizard dominance and becoming the supreme ruler of the world.

The Scary Leprechaun from Leprechaun: He may look like your worst nightmare and suffer from a serious Napoleon complex, but he packs a punch on issues like immigration reform, and his facility with gold makes him the ideal candidate to steer the country from the edge of its perpetual fiscal cliff.

Satan from The Bible: According to a small but vocal minority of tinfoil hat wearers, Satan is already running America and has been throughout most of its history; but since he's the Anti-Christ, he's exempt from term limits and we might as well re-elect him to his 89th term. 

*Images may be subject to copyright. Please send cease and desist letter.

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