Bill Gates Must Have Jizzed in My Coffee

Oh come on. Don't let the title of this blog post put you off, and set your prudish discomforts aside, because this is a serious fiscal situation I'm talking about here. I just walked out of a coffee shop having paid $9.08 (nine dollars and eight cents) for this:

Actually, let me clarify:  It was $10.08 (TEN dollars and eight cents), with tip. 

Yes, I know. I have no one to blame but myself for ordering a 12 oz. soy latte with an extra shot and a splooge of sugar-free caramel syrup. (I don't think "splooge" is the official unit of measurement for those syrups, but you know what I mean. They do make that sort of splooging sound when you splooge them into your drink). 

Anyway, the teenage barista who took my order must have heard "Bill Gates' jizz" when I said "sugar free caramel," and splooged a squirt of Bill Gates' jizz into my coffee cup in order for this drink to have added up to $9.08 (nine dollars and eight cents) minus tip. 

Obviously, Bill Gates is hanging out in the back of a local coffee shop in Juneau, pulling down his 10,000 thread-count boxers, and looking at pictures of yachts and gold-plated airplane hangars while he produces his daily half gallon of the mystery syrup that results in nine dollar coffee drinks.

Yep. Bill Gates must have jizzed in my coffee. That's the only possible explanation for the price of this beverage.