Wednesday, May 17, 2017

I Wish I Could be as Excited About Anything as Ryan Seacrest Pretends to be About Everything

Do you guys listen to Ryan Seacrest? I do. Not on purpose, exactly, but more by default. Okay fine. I'll level with you: I secretly love T-Swiz and Katie Perry and this is one of the few things on which my 9 year-old daughter and I can agree. That and tacos. We both love those, and I think it's because that's all I ate when I was pregnant with Paige.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

Have you heard of the Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap (TM) from Taco Bell? If you answered yes to the Ryan Seacrest question, then your answer to this second question is probably "yes" too. You probably have heard of the Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap. 

At least I think that's what it's called. I'm too lazy to look it up. I've been doing some heavy parental lifting lately, and took the day off from work today because our house is a faaaaahhhhhckkkin shit hole. I spent a long morning doing laundry and spacing out in Costco, wandering around aimlessly looking for noodles. It ended up taking twice as long as it should have, because I kept getting distracted by a sudden compulsion to buy a three-pack of beach towels and 35 toothbrush heads instead of the shit I came in to buy.

So just go with me here.

Basically this thing--this Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap, let's call it--was some sort of limited time special at Taco Bell where the TACO SHELL WAS ACTUALLY MADE OUT OF FRIED CHICKEN. In other words, it was a genetically modified chicken ass-lips-n-feet grease pouch filled with whatever they fill burritos and tacos with at Taco Bell. When I say I love tacos, I don't mean Taco Bell. In desperation I will do Taco Bell, but the idea of a taco shell made OUT OF CHICKEN Is just . . . 

Hell to the No.

And I am pretty sure it's a big negatory for Ryan too, which is why I am so in awe of him. 

One look at this man and you know he lives on kale smoothies and wheat grass cleanses. There is no fucking way Ryan Seacrest has ever--or would ever--eat a Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap from Taco Bell. Yet he makes it sound like it's THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD AND HE EATS IT ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

He gets on the radio right after he plays some Lorde and is all like, "Okay you guys. I don't know if you've tried this yet." And we listeners are like, "yes, please go on!" And Ryan is all like, "Get this. It's ONLY available for a limited time at Taco Bell. It's crunchy. It's delicious. It's crispy. It's the CHICKEN CHALUPA CRUNCH WRAP and wait wait. Get this . . . the SHELL IS ACTUALLY MADE OUT OF FRIED CHICKEN."

And suddenly you're like, "I want one." You stop thinking about the fact that it is completely against nature for chicken to be ground up and fashioned into a fried chicken tortilla shape, and the vile conditions in which that chicken lived such that he or she became a pretend tortilla. Like it's not enough that this chicken had to be turned into meat for Taco Bell. It is being forced to suffer the posthumous indignity of playing the part of BREAD.

I wish I could be as excited about literally ANYTHING in my life as Ryan Seacrest is about everything. The only thing that would make me sound, act, or really be as excited as Ryan Seacrest pretends to be about a Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap is news that Donald Trump is finally getting impeached (although today's special prosecutor news put a big ass smile on my face).

That's it. 

Apart from the demise of Cult 45, there is literally nothing in the world that makes me even half as excited as Ryan Seacrest seems to be about a Chicken Chalupa Crunch Wrap and everything else he talks about on AT-40.


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