Monday, May 1, 2017

American History According to Trump

“People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?

--Donald J. Trump, President of the United States, to Washington Examiner reporter Salena Zito, 5/1/17

This is Trump’s recounting of the Civil War. Here are a few imagined, lesser-publicized things he’s probably said about other major events in U.S. history. 
The above comment about the Civil War is REAL and the rest is satire, but it sounds like stuff he easily could have said.


The Louisiana Purchase was a terrible deal. Look, Jefferson Airplane had no idea what they were doing when they made that deal. Just 15 states for $15 million? Disaster! I’m going to make this country a deal like the American People have never seen before, believe me. 

Teddy Roosevelt was a great man, a respected man. Highly respected. Amazing guy. And let me tell you, he handled the Vietnam War just beautifully. 

Rosa Parks did an amazing job with Yellowstone and Yosemite. Those parks, the buses that go through our national parks? She sat there and helped get those buses going, believe me.

People don't realize, England once owned the United States. No one thinks about that! Why was the King of England such a loser? If I was him I wouldn't be too happy, believe me. Look at the electoral college. I'm a winner, so I couldn't tell you why that particular king was such a loser. Couldn't tell you.

President Grover Cleveland, who won his home swing state of Ohio by 25 fewer electoral votes than me, by the way, saw the Chinese currency manipulation crisis coming 16 years before he died and was very angry about it!

Like me, FDR inherited an absolute mess. Absolute mess in the wake of 9/11. And there were some bad hombres cheering that terrible event, I saw it with my own eyes.

Veronica Lincoln was a terrific, talented woman. A total ten. Her husband's assassination almost killed her, poor girl. 

It wasn't until Castro came to power in Cuba that Lincoln's successor, JKF, was finally able to get good cigars over the border, but it was an awful deal. I'm going to fix that disaster on Day 101. Don't say I'm at Day 102. That's FAKE NEWS.

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