So far, Trump's rumored cabinet looks like the Legion of Doom, and reminds me of the cabinet in my parents' old kitchen in the Bronx. The one where the cat food was kept, before I was allergic to cats and before it got remodeled. The one with ten year-old unopened bottles of Wishbone Ranch Dressing and sticky soy sauce on that vinyl shelf-covering stuff. The one with roaches that would sometimes skitter out when you'd open it in the middle of the night.
The roaches who have skittered out of Trump's cabinet to date include but are not limited to: Bruce Springsteen's colon polyp, rush hour traffic trafficker, and chief McDonald's Fetcher/Trump hostage Chris Christie; (2) New York City's kind-of-humanoid-for-48 hours from 9/11/01-9/13/01, porcelain-grilled combustible wind turbine Rudy Giuliani; and (3) the Silly Putty-faced Newt "I fucked-around-on-my-wife-while-she-lay-dying-of-cancer" Gingrich.
But missing from the list thus far is one of the earliest and most enthusiastic gobblers of Trump's wee orange cock: Scott Baio of Happy Days and Charles in Charge fame. Recall he was given an entirely random speaking engagement on behalf of the Orange Menace back at the nominating convention, which seems like a time of wide-eyed innocence now.
But no matter.
Although apparently Trump's election literally caused Leonard Cohen to drop dead, it's high time to soldier on, unite, and figure out what role Scott Baio can--nay, WILL--play in Donald Trump's cabinet.
One reader suggested to me that he should be a Supreme Court Justice, since he played Bob Loblaw on Arrested Development and was in charge of our "wrongs and our rights" on the theme song to Charles in Charge. Another suggested that he be the head of Housing and Urban Development, since he was, after all, head of an entire household.
Maybe Trump could create sort of a hybrid human-relations/communications/gaslighting/reality TV-liaison role for Scott? Like he'd be Czar of Member Berries, going around making everyone Member How Great America Used to Be while his boss works to Make It So Again over the next 4-8 years with his big golden magic wand and army of Aryan brethren.
While Trump criss-crosses the nation magically sprinkling manufacturing jobs all over flyover country and walls off the border like Donnie Fucking Appleseed of 'Murica, Scott can be out there singing over a giant megaphone "MONDAY TUESDAY HAPPY DAYS WEDNESDAY THURSDAY HAPPY DAYS" into the faces of everyone who dares to question whether in fact they're happy.
2016: Shark, jumped.