Saturday, November 26, 2016

Bro Field Guide: Sensitive Ponytail Man

Kingdom: Animalia
Genus: Caribiner
Species: Patagoniai
Phylum: Hempalius
Order: Man buniai

Range: Western United States and Canada.

Overview"Sensitive Ponytail Man" was first identified by name in the early 90s film "Singles" starring Matt Dillon (with a cameo by Eddie Vedder) but has been spotted in his native habitat as early as 1969. He tends to travel alone, but is sometimes observed in packs of two to three young males or with a single Caucasian female individual, usually with itty bitty titties, freckles, an athletic build, two blonde braids, and Teva sandals.

Diet: Sensitive Ponytail Man travels mainly by bike and is primarily an herbivore, known to forage for falafel pita pockets, vegetarian burritos, and craft beer purchased with spare change despite having substantial familial assets both liquid and illiquid.

Habits: Sensitive Ponytail Man may insufferably appropriate dreadlocks despite being uniformly white. He is most active in the early morning and at dusk, where he can often be found strumming an acoustic guitar, reading Jack Kerouac, climbing a rock wall, skinning up the side of a mountain to carve turns in some epic pow, or juggling a soccer ball from foot to foot on a university quad.

Reproduction: Sensitive Ponytail man is a serial monogamist who prides himself on the proficient delivery of orgasms to females. He eventually mates for life between 40 and 45 years of age. Until that time, he will consecutively cohabit with up to five female individuals for 6 to 18 months at a time, each of whom he will have met in a 100-level thesis seminar, while guiding a white water rafting trip, through friends at a a Widespread Panic concert, at the bike shop, or via an ex-bro friend who was dating her at the time but too bad, love is love and the heart has a mind of its own.

Lifecycle: Sensitive Ponytail Man goes through several cause-oriented "awakenings," in which he is alternately moved by the wrongfully convicted, environmentally decimated forests, and striking cafeteria workers until he reproduces, at which time he becomes exclusively consumed with transporting up to three of his offspring in a carrier attached to cross-country skis.

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