To Whom it May Concern:
By now you've probably read about our plot in the Alaska Dispatch News.
We're those two meth heads from southern Georgia who planned to unleash a small arsenal on the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, reportedly to "release souls."
Since we've now been apprehended by the government and have some time to kill in our pretrial facility, we want to share with the rest of the nation our true motivations for this plot.
Most of America doesn't realize that the government is hiding massive secrets at HAARP, which was once managed by the Air Force and is now run by a shadowy cabal of so-called "scientists" to allegedly "probe" the supposed "atmosphere."
But we're not concerned with all the usual run-of-the-mill stuff HAARP does to control people's minds and manipulate the weather. Clearly, a government who can't successfully run a website to sign up for health insurance or issue a driver's license in under an hour can easily create 9.8 earthquakes and category 5 hurricanes.
No sirs. We're talking about the aliens we were simply (and--if we might be so bold--valiantly) trying to send back to their home planets.
The media has described our efforts at alien deportation as "releasing souls," but that is inaccurate and misleading. In fact, we were simply trying to Make America Great Again by sending alien immigrants back to their native planets, and then harness the energy at HAARP to build an impenetrable wall of solar wind that illegal aliens will not be able to breach ever again from anywhere in the cosmos.
You see, when we were young boys growing up deep in the heart of Dixie, just knee-high to a little green man, our daddies had good, steady, high-paying jobs performing abductions, autopsies, and anal probes. Indeed, we come from a long, proud line of abductors, autopsy performers, and anal probers.
But now illegal extraterrestrial aliens have taken those jobs away from us and we want them back. You can't get even get a made-on-earth anal probe in this entire galaxy anymore! Not only that, but they are assaulting our females under the guise of "research."
These aliens tend to congregate at HAARP. HAARP is a "sanctuary facility," Fairbanks is a "sanctuary city," and this Great Nation should show "zero tolerance for criminal aliens," as Donald J. Trump has aptly said.
Just go visit HAARP (or Fairbanks) and you won't hear a word of English. Is it Elvish? Klingon? Alienese? Lapine? Na'vi? Dothraki? Scientist? Who knows! It's not English!
That we can tell you.
In any event, we must sign off. The authorities here are insisting on removing the silver fillings from our teeth. That's because we know something they don't want you to know: our fillings are how we communicate with our allies on Planet Argomemnon #673, one of the few friendly planets in the Milky Way aligned with our cause.
If you wish to contribute to our efforts to cease the influx of illegal criminal aliens into our atmosphere and planet--including our legal defense of these spurious and persecutory charges--please consider a donation to our gofundme.
Michael Mancil and James Dryden, Jr.