Friday, November 4, 2016

Make America Fuck an Apple Pie Again

It's 8:00 p.m. on a Friday, so I wasn't surprised to read online that talking sex robots with warm genitals will be on sale next year. And then I began to contemplate what this would mean for society.

Sometimes I feel like computers and microchips are overtaking our lives. You can order a double bacon cheeseburger, turn off the lights in your living room, and video-conference your colleague in Switzerland--all from your smartphone. 

And now, you can also have sexy fuck times with a silicone replica of a stripper who has battery-powered genitals and who will be like "yeah yeah yeah right there" in a robotic Siri voice. (Presumably if she's not in the mood she'll be like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.")

What ever happened to fucking a good old fashioned American apple pie like in the movie American Pie? Or a tube sock? Or even a bowl of mashed potatoes or some macaroni and cheese? What ever happened to good old fashioned analog weird masturbation?

I'm talking about a different time in America. A simpler time. A time when kids listened to their parents and chased frogs in the woods after school for hours. A time when people greeted each other with a smile at church each Sunday. A time when everyone left their homes unlocked. A time when men handled their own dicks. 

With their hands.

Now suddenly a room-temperature sock and a back-issue of Playboy isn't good enough anymore. We need a $15,000 warm silicone vagina-cave with an entire pretend person attached to it in order to get our rocks off? What's next? A sex robot who doubles as a microwave? When you're done, you can put a frozen chicken burrito in there, play with her hair for a few minutes, and BAM. Dinner is served!

No wonder America is circling the drain.

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