Monday, November 21, 2016

Neo Nazi White Supremacists are Taking Washington by Storm, but It's Cool Because They Look Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business


This is NOT your racist grandpa's white supremacy movement! Get a load of these hotties finally getting what's theirs in D.C. And hold onto your panties, because RRROWWWR!

With the quasi-election of Donald Trump to the U.S. Presidency, a long-persecuted and marginalized group--white men--have at last found their voice in Washington.

And not just any white men, but white men who would like to see America turn into Berlin circa 1935, where only people of Anglo-Saxon descent and the purest, hwitest, blondest, most mayonnaise-saturated bloodlines are permitted within the borders of our Great Nation.

Goodbye brown people and immigrants who assemble their Arby's prime rib sandwiches, because these repressed babes are about to get what's coming to them: someone with blue eyes and meth-teeth making their Arby's prime rib sandwiches instead! 

BOOMThat'll show 'em.

And the best part? They are SMOKIN' HOT! Say goodbye to that boring old Casper the (Un)Friendly Ghost white hood and weird Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter titles like "Grand Wizard Dragon," because the new "alt-right" is a hip reboot of all that old school, dated white supremacy.

Just look at this article in the L.A. Times, titled "White nationalists dress up and come to Washington in hopes of influencing Trump," which features 38 year-old Richard Spencer--president of a white nationalist "think tank" (read: "bigot terrarium") with the benign-and-vaguely-smartish-academic-esque-sounding name "National Policy Institute." 

The reporter points out that the quarterback studs behind Mr. Spencer's bowel movement are "entirely young men, many sporting the same haircut of short sides and back with a familiar flop on top." (a.k.a., "the Hitler youth"). 

And their style game is on point, because "[t]he formally dressed men more resemble[] Washington lobbyists than the robed Ku Klux Klansmen or skinhead toughs that often represent white supremacists, though they share many familiar views."


Or this pre-election profile from Mother Jones, which describes Mr. Spencer as "dapper" and "an articulate well-dressed former football player with prom-king good looks and a 'fashy' (as in fascism) haircut," who has "seize[d] on an extraordinary presidential election to give overt racism a new veneer of radical chic," and who, despite his purist Aryan leanings, once dated Asian chicks because he has an Asian fetish and Asian girls are "smart" and "have kind of a thing going on."

Cool cool cool. How long before Richard Spencer lands People's "Sexiest Man Alive" cover?! Or maybe just a "5 Things You Didn't Know About" profile?

You guys. FO. REALSIES.

This has ALL the makings of a geopolitical rom-com/dram and I SERIOUSLY might need to take a leave of absence from work to write the screenplay. 

The main character will be based loosely on MOI, (bien sur), and will be played by the world's hottest Jewess and my own personal thinspiration, Natalie Portman. The part of Richard Spencer will be played by Robert Pattinson from Twilight (natch), and here's the plot:

Plucky young Jewish lawyer dyes her hair blonde, changes her name from "Rachel Goldstein" to "Ashley Worthington" and gets a job at the National Policy Institute as Richard Spencer's personal research assistant. Ashley pretends to be all in for Dick's--she calls him Dick--Aryan race-cleanse mission, but is secretly going undercover in order to expose the hottie Neo-Nazis' most virulent leanings and take down their organization from the inside out. 

But the two have an undeniable chemistry that transcends eugenics. By the time Dick discovers Ashley is really a Jew named Rachel--(he finds an Aetna EOB in her desk drawer for the "Ashkenazi panel" genetic testing associated with a routine mammogram)--he's helplessly in love with her. 

And the feeling is mutual. 

Ashley/Rachel's attraction to Dick has taken her by surprise, and threatens to undermine her covert operation, while Dick is forced to choose between true love and his neo-fascist ideals, thus calling into question everything he's ever assumed about the world.

Eh? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!?

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