Friday, July 15, 2016

We Resent Being Compared to the Alaska Legislature, by Gerbils Everywhere

"Everybody's just frustrated. I'm just trying to figure out, how do we move forward? This is like a gerbil cage, and you're just running in a circle." (House Speaker Mike Chenault on legislative gridlock in Juneau, Alaska Dispatch News, July 14, 2016).

Ever since the whole "gerbil-in-Richard-Gere's-butt" thing from the '90's, we gerbils have been getting a really bad rap, and we're tired of taking it sitting down (or curled up in a ball, as the case may be). South Park made fun of us and gave us a silly name (Lemmiwinks, also with a butt reference), and now our cages are being compared to the halls of the Alaska Legislature!?

Well, we resent that, because the fact remains that we gerbils are much more organized and functional than those 60 hamsters down in Juneau! (Not only that, but there is zero evidence of a gerbil ever traversing anyone's butt, especially Richard Gere's).

We are typically not aggressive, we rarely bite unprovoked, we are small and easy to handle, and we are sociable creatures who enjoy the company of humans and other gerbils. Just ask Wikipedia

We are also Casanovas, since we mate for several hours in frequent short bursts followed by short chases (BOWM CHICKA BOW WOWM!), and we are gentlemen, as we will rarely attack females although they sometimes will attack us. We're not suggesting legislators don't also know what they're doing in this department; we wouldn't presume to hazard a guess at that. We're just saying we got game, so a gerbil cage is actually a pretty great place to be, circuitous or not.

Also, we get shit done. Unlike hamsters and legislators, we need to be able to dig our own tunnel systems, rather than have them created for us, and that's more than I can say for the folks down in Juneau who aren't digging anything but the state into a fiscal hole deeper than any tunnel we gerbils could ever dig and certainly much longer than Richard Gere's colon tract!

Granted, we are known to attack and sometimes kill other gerbils carrying an unfamiliar scent, so I suppose I'll have to concede we share that in common with what goes on in the Capitol Building or whatever current substitute for the Capitol Building is in use at the moment. But still, we wanted to set the record straight here, and redeem our reputations once and for all.

We are also tough as nails, since 50% of us have epilepsy and inner ear problems that cause us to lilt quite obviously to one side, yet we are still able to get on with things. Now if you'll excuse us, it's almost twilight, and since we're crepuscular (look it up) we need to get back to eating seeds and carrots, drinking from our water bottles, and pooping out a zillion tiny pellet turds. 

We can't just go to the Triangle Bar or the Bubble Room at the Barnaof like SOME people we know.

1 comment:

  1. You do have to give credit to Chenault for at least, at the last hour, grasping the dimensions of his phylogeny.


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