Friday, July 8, 2016

This All Natural Deodorant is Awesome IF . . .

You are starring in a biopic of my 9th grade history teacher, Mr. Doerfler. 

God bless that man, but the world hasn't seen pit stains in a chambray shirt that big since the trenches of World War II. He would tell us about the Nazis, and storming the beach at Normandy, and all the while his armpit sweat B.O. pit stains would spread like Hitler's Third Reich from the Russia of his upper armpit down to practically the Spain of his waist. 

And the whole time, he had those little SS Gestapo soldiers of white spittle in the corners of his mouth. Because you can't have one without the other: pit sweat stains and mouth-corner spittle are like popcorn and peanuts or milk and cookies. Two great hygiene flaws that go great together.

But back to the Tom's of Maine deodorant, which again you won't need UNLESS you are starring in a biopic of Mr. Doerfler. 

Because that deodorant guarantees that you will sweat an IMMENSE amount; and yes, your sweat will smell like daffodils mixed with B.O. instead of just plain sour B.O. And yes, you MIGHT avoid cancer from whatever toxic metals they put into antiperspirant to make you not twins with Mr. Doerfler.

But you won't get what you're expecting out of a deodorant, which is to not be Mr. Doerfler in a biopic. 

So unless method acting the part of Mr. Doerfler is what you're going for, I highly dis-recommend this shit. Especially in Athens Georgia in July.

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