Saturday, July 23, 2016

If You Were a Girl in the 80's and Read Shitty Books, You'll RecognizeThis

I don't mean to pull a Melania and plagiarize anything, but I have this shit memorized and hey, I'm giving credit where credit is due: To the writer of a series of books, all 603 of which started out with the EXACT SAME DESCRIPTION of the main characters. It went a little something like this. 


Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield were exactly identical. They were both 5"6 and a perfect size six with blue-green eyes that were limpid as pools, and long blonde hair that fell softly to their shoulders. The only way anyone could tell them apart was by a small mole on Elizabeth's right cheek. They shared a red Fiat convertible, but that's where the similarities ended. Jessica was always getting in trouble, and Elizabeth was the well-behaved editor of the high school newspaper.

There was something soothing about the predictable way each of the 603 books in this series described the main characters. It was like some sort of mantra, invocation, or call to prayer for every 80's tween who knew that the only thing standing between her and happiness was being thin and blonde, owning a red convertible, and landing a rich, arrogant boyfriend named Bruce Patman.

Mix that with Nancy Reagan-era anti-drug propaganda interwoven into every plot line and VOILA! You had a veritable bible for 80's girls.

35-45 female demographic: You feelin' me? NAME THAT SERIES!


  1. Sounds like "The Patty Duke Show" to me (okay, slightly different demographic).


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