Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Levi Johnston Shatters Guinness World Record for Biggest Balls by Begging for Benjamins on GoFundMe

Crowdfunding is a great development in the democratization of charitable giving, UNLESS you're like me, and feel your heartstrings tugged at everything from a dog's cataract surgery to a salmon skin wallet startup to a jazz band's rehearsal space. 

In that case, you need to be completely cut off from donating to crowdfunding campaigns or risk dissolution of domestic goodwill and the marital fisc. (See, e.g., "Why the FUCK is there a $100 charge on our credit card for [insert crowdfunding campaign here]?!")

I believe crowdfunding was mostly intended for unexpected medical catastrophes and such, although in this post a ways back, I profiled someone named "Cinnamon Soul Communicator" who wanted your cheddar to help her "heal her clients," and a woman with blue glitter eye makeup and a chihuahua who lost her iPhone and wanted you to buy her a new one.

Now, however, crowdfunding has officially jumped the shark, and the Guinness World Record for biggest balls on the planet has been shattered into a zillion pieces by the crowdfunding efforts of none other than fellow Alaskan and Bristol Palin's ex-bae, Levi "Playgirl" Johnston, his current wife, Sunny, and their own daughter, Breeze Beretta Johnston, who is literally named after weather (just like Mom!) and an Italian firearm.

This week, Johnston hoisted a big ol' rod n' reel up over his shoulder and whistled on down to the Mariana Trench of ducat holes to fish for public subsidies to offset legal bills in a custody battle with Bristol over their son, Tripp. 

Fortch, "it appears the custody situation is settled," but attorney fees have mounted because, in Levi's words, "[u]nlike some we are not able to raise money through fundraising e-mails or SuperPACS and are instead asking for your help in paying these bills and allowing us to get back to the important job of raising our family."

DAAAAYUUUUUM, LEVI!!!!! BURN. SICK, SICK BURN!

(True story tho).

But ALSO unlike some, you got famezies simply for splooging a load of star hockey player baby batter up into famous disasterpiece and #1 spokeswoman for ironic abstinence Bristol Palin. Then you rode that jizz-fueled fame wave all the way to a career on reality TV and a spread in Playgirl. (Pssstt, Levi: That magazine is wank tank material for dudes . . . wait . . . you knew that, right?)

Anyeeeehoot, it's obvious that Levi has now officially overtaken the world record for most humungi cajones on the planet with his elephantiasis-sized plea to pay his lawyers with a bunch of complete strangers' money. Update: As of this writing, the Sledneck Testicle King has exceeded his fundraising goal by over $1K.

Congrats, Bro!


Photo: Chuck Kennedy/MCT File

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