Wednesday, May 6, 2015

These 10 GoFundMe Campaigns Officially Kick Kickstarter's Ass

If my last post on Kickstarter didn't convince you, it's true. The apocalypse really is here. I went on GoFundMe to donate to something legitimately related to the Nepal earthquake, and after doing so, I stumbled upon these arguably slightly less worthy causes. 

Now, I'm not one to be mean-spirited, but (a) I seriously can't believe people are out there asking strangers for money for this stuff; and (b) I seriously can't believe people actually give it to them. 

With that said, I need IN on this business model! I've decided that O.H.M.'s next social media gimmick HAS to be a Kickstarter/GoFundme campaign for something to be determined. Because let's face it: If these folks can do it, O.H.M. can too! Amirite??

1. This woman lost her iPhone and she wants you to buy her a new one.

2. This woman, who goes by the name "Cinnamon Soul Communicator," wants you to help her pay to "heal" her clients all over the globe. She is "co-creating with the Universe to manifest [her] highest good." Stick a Benjamin in her cleavage today!

3. Help these socialists go to a conference! Presumably they are on an air-conditioned coach bus paid for by The Man.

4. Help these two self-described "ladies of the land" "raise money for a garden tractor so [they] can better serve/aid in becoming stewards of the land." If you don't, they'll come after you with that American Gothic pitchfork.

5. This person is a "pro-life witness in Washington, D.C." and wants you to send him there because "America is staggering under the incredible crushing of human rights, loss of life, and betrayal of our founding principles that is abortion." This dude's presence in D.C. will solve all of those problems, obvi.

6. Tragically, this guy does not have an XBOX One, because he can't afford one right now, and he cannot be GREAT as a gamer without it. He needs to come "back for the return of Halo." Please. Find it in your heart to help a gamer in need. In-kind donations of Mountain Dew and Doritos also accepted.

7.  This woman wants you to pay her entry fees and hotel to be in the Miss Florida U.S. pageant. I mean, who can say no to those eyelashes? Plus, her platform is autism research, but why wouldn't I, um, just donate to fucking AUTISM RESEARCH then???

8. Please for the love of God, help this woman fulfill her life's dream of opening "a much needed specialty cheese shop" in her Southern California hometown. I've heard the words "much-needed" and "specialty cheese shop" before, just never in the same sentence.

9. It's always been this couple's dream to open a winery. Won't you please find it in your hearts to help them today?

10. This model/poet wants your money to help her finish production for her upcoming coffee table book. How can you resist this charitable donation?

I am now officially taking suggestions for O.H.M.'s Kickstarter/GoFundMe Campaign!

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