Thursday, May 21, 2015

Day Camp for Legislators

WHAT TO BRING: It’s important that your legislator arrive at camp on a good night’s sleep and after eating a healthy breakfast (for under $15.00 paid for by a lobbyist). This ensures a fun and productive day of hearings and activities at camp! 

We want our legislators to make the most of their terms and all that Day Camp for Legislators has to offer! With that in mind, please send your legislator to camp each day with the following items:
  • Water bottle
  • Sunscreen
  • Angry constituent e-mails requiring a prompt response
  • Mandate to do his/her job
  • Pithy, provocative Tweets
  • Swimsuit and towel
  • Insect/constituent repellent
Daily Schedule

7-8:50 a.m.: Arrival/Early Care with Legislator’s Choice
Organized activity stations: Horsetrading; Grandstanding; Posturing; Sighing; Exasperation; Brinkmanship; General Sanctimony (content varies daily).

9:00 a.m.: All Camp Opening Ceremony
Announcements; Alaska Flag Song; Pledge of Allegiance; Solemn interfaith prayer; All legislators hold hands in a circle to welcome the camp day.

9:30 a.m. Group Caucus Time: Review of government values; Color wars between R (Red Team) and D (Blue Team) caucuses over budget funding; Apply sunscreen.

10:30 a.m. Activity Period 1: Complain loudly about construction noise; Continue to deny location of state capital; Call lawyers; Roast s'mores.

11:15 a.m. Activity Period 2: Fishing; Eviscerate sexual assault and abuse prevention bill; Prioritize Scantrons and parental denial; Tug-of-War; Bonfire using original version of aforementioned bill as kindling.

Noon LUNCH with more lobbyists

12:30 p.m. Activity Period 3: Fail to provide healthcare to thousands of people with a net economic loss to the state; Threaten the PFD; Free swim; Track & Field.

1:00 p.m. Activity Period 4: Discuss future political aspirations despite not doing current job and/or doing it poorly; Floor speeches about nothing; At-eases up the wazoo; Recess; Softball.

2:00 p.m. Activity Period 5: Deny public employees contractually promised raises and threaten their jobs forever; Canoeing; Basketball.

3:00 p.m. Activity Period 6: Slash funding to art, music, after-school programs, and extended learning until the entirety of school for kids K-12 is one giant Scantron test; Arts & Crafts; Woodworking.

4:00 p.m. All Camp Closing Ceremony; Sing National Anthem; Pat selves on back; Point fingers at each other; Snack.

4:30 p.m. Camper pick up. Please be sure to sign out your legislator!

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