To save my readers the precious time of collecting concrete reflections of the planet's imminent demise themselves, O.H.M. has taken the liberty of culling the six best and brightest campaigns that Kickstarter has to offer. These people want your money to back their crackpot ideas, and they want it NOW.
Here are six Kickstarter campaigns that actually exist, right now at this very moment. Do yourself and the whole world a favor: Give it to them!
1. Hair Shapies (Brooklyn, NY): A little plastic doohickey that "molds a strand of hair into any desired shape." OMG. WIN!!! I have always wanted to mold my hair into a star! I need the Jewish star mold though, so that the whole world knows I'm oppressed. Jewish women without Jewish star hair shapies. The struggle is real.
2. Spurandals (Carson City, NV): Spurs added to your sandals or flip-flops! I need these to remind me of numerous guys from the mountain west who refused to be my boyfriend at various times in my life. I need to put spurandals on my Crocs, and then I need to blast some Nine Inch Nails, go on Facebook, print out pics of the guys, tape them to the back of my bathroom door, and donkey-kick the living shit out of their faces while my family thinks I'm in the shower.
3. A'Koko Melt-Virgin Coconut Oil (London, UK): Literally this is straight-up coconut oil you can buy at Costco (I know, I have a jar of it sitting in my bathroom right now) put into a container that looks like something you'd find at Barney's NY. You gotta hand it to these peeps: they are literally selling a jar! This one takes BALLS!
4. Drink Eden (Salt Lake City, UT): This project celebrates difference and diversity by "embodying the belief that diversity and imperfections aren't flaws to be corrected but traits to be celebrated." Well, call the ACLU, because this company is single-handedly battling our "perfectionist culture" by taking a carrot that looks like a deformed dick n' balls and turning it into expensive juice in a labeled plastic container, thereby ultimately wasting even more energy than discarding produce that "would otherwise be thrown away because [it doesn't] meet our purely cosmetic standards." Drink Eden: defeating the fruit and vegetable beauty paradigm one cucumber at a time.
5. The Urban Death Project (Seattle, WA): I have to admit this one is kind of cool, since burying peeps six feet underground in an ornate casket is probably the least sustainable way to dispose of one's remains. I chose to feature this campaign primarily for its awesome description: "At the heart of each Urban Death Project facility is a three-story core containing our unique compost-based renewal system . . . Bodies are laid into woodchips at the top of the core. Over a span of weeks, they turn into nutrient-rich soil. Each Urban Death Project building will be different, designed for the community in which it resides." My will says I'm getting cremated, but now I'm considering a change of plans. Why go for something as unoriginal as cremation when I could be the next side of braised kale at an artisanal vegan bistro in Seattle's trendy U-district? That way I'd die knowing I would be as superior and sanctimonious in death as I have been in life! A-fucking-MEN to that.
6. Laser Cut Rubber Band Guns (West Sacramento, CA): OK, this one offends me, but not for the reasons you might think (i.e. that it glorifies gun-play and violence for kids). To the contrary, this offends my constitutional sensibilities, specifically those related to the Second Amendment. My main issue with this is its irrelevancy: no one needs toy guns anymore. Toy guns are for total fucking pussies, like Europeans and Australians. Any red-blooded American child learns that, even before they learn to say "Wayne LaPierre" and have the manual dexterity to wrap their pudgy little hands around the smooth, shiny handle of a Glock 19 and shoot a few rounds of real live bullets (not rubber bands) into their own faces, or those of their friends and family. This is America, dammit, where every man, woman, and child has the God-given right to walk into a kindergarten classroom with a military-grade weapon of their choosing and shoot a shitload of people in the face. Write to your representative in Congress, because this rubber band gun is downright un-American.