Thursday, May 14, 2015

10 Things I Want My Kids to Know About Making "10 Things" Lists

1. "10 Things" lists are a dime a dozen these days, so you really need to make your "10 Things" list stand out. 

2. Make it something profound and universal, like "10 Things I Want My Child to Know Before High School," or "10 Wishes for My Mother," or "10 Drugs I'd Like to Try Before 25," or perhaps, "10 Pets That Won't Give You an Incurable Disease" (Spotted leopard gecko, FYI).

3. If you want your "10 Things" list to go viral--or maybe even just bacterial or fungal--you need to make it like, super deep and serious. Or funny. But not TOO funny. And it should be well-written, but not TOO well-written. (No cursing)!

4. Ten is a perfect number. Don't fuck with it by going off script and making "25 Things" lists and "30 Things" lists and malarkey like that. Don't be a maverick, and don't re-invent the wheel. Stick with the blue-chip stock of "10."

5. If Scary Mommy or Mamapedia rejects your "10 Things" list, don't worry. Submit it to HuffPost Parents instead. They're sure to publish it.

6. The only thing better than a "10 Things" list is a "Dear Mom Who Did/Said Something" letter. Write a bunch of those too, because they are so awesome and no one ever gets sick of them. Just like a "10 Things" list.

7. Never let anyone tell you your "10 Things" list isn't the best "10 Things" list in the whole wide world. Because it is. Don't ever forget that.

8. Make sure your "10 Things" list has something really unexpected in it--like something no one will have thought of before. (Except like ten zillion times).

9. Also put something really corny in it. Make it a tear-jerker worthy of shares and tweets. You need to EARN those shares and tweets. You can't just EXPECT them.

10. Masturbate for inspiration. It's always a good idea to rub one out before you start composing your "10 Things" list. Really clears the brain.

11. No matter what, always, always remember that Mommy has your back and loves you unconditionally. Except when you fuck up. Then you're disowned. Especially if you can't count to 10.

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