Cast your mind back: it was a sunny October morning between first period social studies and second period trigonometry. Having just wolfed down a microwaved breakfast burrito Hot Pocket, you understandably had to take an emergency dump. Being a normal (i.e. "untwisted") boy or girl, you innocently entered the bathroom bearing the designation of your gender assigned at birth, and were just settling down with your Samsung Galaxy S6 to start shit-texting (shtexting) your friend a link to the latest Justin Bieber video when something horrible and traumatizing occurred.
An abominable fuhhhreeeak of nature known as a transvestite--I'm sorry, transgender--person entered the bathroom, went into one of the other stalls, and did . . . um . . . something. You selected a smiley-face emoji, sent your shtext message, flushed, washed your hands with soap and water (hopefully), and left to resume your day.
Wait. Are you saying this didn't happen to you? Or if it did, are you saying your innocence was not forcibly taken?
Welp, the fine statesmen of South Dakota would beg to differ, for they have now done what so many state legislatures and our Congress do so well and with such reliable proficiency: Promote legislation targeting people they don't like, intended to fix problems that don't exist, because they are stupid and/or disingenuous beyond measure.
South Dakota is poised to become the first state in the country with the noble distinction of requiring transgender students to use bathrooms and locker rooms that correspond to their sex at birth, rather than the gender with which they identify. State Senator David Omdahl claims this essential bill is meant "to preserve the innocence of our young people."
"I'm sorry if you're twisted and don't know who you are," CBS news reports him saying at a recent event. "I'm telling you right now, it's about protecting the kids, and I don't even understand where our society is these days."
On this last point, Senator Omdhal and I can agree.
I too "don't even understand where our society is these days" when an entire generation of kids gets brain damaged from drinking toxic municipal water; kids are shot on the street and in kindergarten classrooms; no one wants to spare a dime for their education; and their parents can't afford their health insurance or day care.
But for fuck's sake, people. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
It's a good thing South Dakota is tackling this mounting threat to childhood innocence, because it's a slippery slope: One day it's transgender bathrooms in school. Next thing you know, we'll have RuPaul's head carved in stone, in that little space between Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. To say nothing of the fate destined to befall the many public restrooms at South Dakota's most famous national memorial.
Bravo, South Dakota, BUHHRAAAHVOOOOHHH!!!