Friday, February 5, 2016

I Just Invented 15 Harry Potter Spells for Real Life

Immaculatus!: instantly cleans your house, car, desk, or any other domestic shit hole.

Arguendo charm: instantly makes someone you're arguing with admit you're right and shut the fuck up.

Socio Reducto: removes you from a group text.

Disapparato Gluteus: instantly vaporizes ten pounds from your ass so you can fit into that little black dress . . . without Spanx.

Papyrus Completo!: nails all your annoying paperwork.

Patronus charm: does away with a tequila-based hangover.

Vehiculum Shifti: moves a car a few inches back so you can parallel park in a tight space.

Kimye!: filters out all Kim Kardashian and Kanye West based news from the internet.

R2D2 charm: ensures that the next two Star Wars movies won't suck.

Bankruptus Reverso: immediately wires $5,000 to your checking account.

Alohamora!: extends your Hawaiian vacation by a week at no cost to you.

Silencio Magna Sonus: deafens you to the sound of your child practicing violin.

Phallus Retracto: instantly rescinds an ill-advised one night stand.

Innaugurus!: puts you into a coma until after Election Day 2016.

Nutella!: Nutella.


1 comment:

  1. I could actually do with all of these spells in my life!

    ReplyDelete