Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Say Anything

'80's girls will instantly recognize the words "Say Anything" as two things: (1) The best movie EVER MADE in the history of American cinema, starring John Cusack as perennial underdog heartthrob Lloyd Dobler (see also prior post from 11/16/14 titled, Dear Loyd Dobler); and (2) An "advice" column from the now-defunct teen magazine, "YM."

I'm not the first person to recall and comment on the "Say Anything" column, or the idea of an adult version of that column: (see: http://dirtyoldpromqueen.blogspot.com/2005/12/say-anything.html).

But I'm now joining the apparently-two-person blogging chorus (duet?), in pointing out the complete and total awesomeness of "Say Anything." 

"Say Anything" was a teen-girl advice column in which readers submitted their most embarrassing stories to YM Magazine. The stories were always, but ALWAYS, about periods, parties, and boys. 

The blogger linked above notes that it would be funny if there were R-rated adult versions of these advice queries. But actually, I think it would be even funnier if there were PG-13-rated lawyer mom versions. 

Inevitably, each letter would read something like this:

Dear Say Anything,


It was the day before my big oral argument in Rice v. Gluten, and I needed to find the perfect pair of Spanx to wear underneath my boxy, pastel-green J.C. Penney's pants suit. I was standing in line at Nordstrom, when suddenly I felt a bad and familiar warm feeling in my tits-high, "Hanes Her Way" cotton granny panties.

It was my period! And even worse, it had arrived in hemorrhagic fashion right in the middle of my cycle for no reason! I briefly set aside fears of cervical/uterine/ovarian cancer so I could try to figure out what to do next.

I reached into my purse to see if I had a tampon, but right at that moment my bottle of Prozac flew out and struck the person standing behind me in the eye, blinding them permanently. 

I turned around, and who should it be but the Chief Justice of the 1000th Circuit Court of Appeals who was scheduled to hear my oral argument in an en banc panel the very next day!

As if things couldn't get any worse, the following afternoon, I went through security in the federal courthouse building with all of my luggage because I needed to catch a flight later that evening. Imagine my surprise when the U.S. Marshal X-rayed my bag only to discover my vibrator and bathroom scale (neither of which I travel anywhere without) and hold them up in front of the large line of spectators behind me to determine their owner!

Naturally I was mortified, but not even close to as mortified as when it came time to deliver my oral argument. I wasn't even done saying "May it Please the Court," when several of my cinnamon rolls rolled right out over the top of my brand new Spanx! 

Turns out I'd bought the wrong size. 

The Chief Justice had recused himself due to the aforementioned blinding incident, but the rest of the panel wasn't even listening to me. In fact, the first question they asked is why I had secreted a 12-pack of Cinnabons into the courtroom, and the second question they asked is whether I was aware that food was prohibited in there!

I had to tell them that those weren't actually Cinnabons. They were just rolls of doughy white fat that looked and smelled like Cinnabons ('Cause I always use "Warm Vanilla Sugar n' Cinnamon" Bath & Body Works body spray).

When it was all over, I checked my voice mail and was greeted with a message from my kid's school saying that there had been a "biting incident" in which my child was the culprit. Also, the same day, my other kid was sent to the principal's office in an "I'll show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours" type-situation and the teacher had called children's services!

I mean, OMG!  

Seriously, Say Anything  . . . isn't that like, TOTALLY the most embarrassing thing EVER?!?

Sincerely,

One Hot Mess



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