Wednesday, July 6, 2016

25 Nouns I Would Rather Bone Than Roger Ailes

The report that Gretchen Carlson of Fox News filed a sexual harassment and employment discrimination suit against her employer Roger Ailes is remarkable not necessarily for the truth or falsehood of the allegations--which will surely be debated in the court of public opinion long before they ever reach a court room--but for the inspirational game of "would you rather" that it inspired in my mind.

According to the lawsuit, Mr. Ailes, the influential Fox News chairman and power-broker, serially sexual harassed the longtime news anchor, and when she refused his advances, basically gave her jay-oh-bee the old heave-ho.

I tend to give professional women who make allegations of sexual harassment at work the benefit of the doubt, considering how many of those incidents and allegations go completely unreported by, oh, I dunno, approximately every woman who has ever worked for a paycheck in her life for any amount of time ever. 

But regardless of whether Mr. Ailes did or did not sexually harass Ms. Carlson and then stuck her in the unemployment line, I can't blame her for the outcome, since there is literally not a job in the world that I would fuck Roger Ailes to keep. 

In fact, here are 25 nouns I'd rather bone than Roger Ailes, and I mean literally.

1. A stuffed panda
2. A zucchini
3. A pod of male dolphins in rut
4. A pile of statute books
5. The hood of a car
6. A stove-top espresso maker
7. Roger Ailes' thoroughbred giraffe (assuming he has one)
8. A crock pot
9. Gretchen Carlson
10. Gretchen Carlson's can of hairspray
11. A Thanksgiving turducken
12. A spiral staircase banister
13. A dozen Kosher hot dogs
14. A Lite Brite
15. All four plastic player figurines in the Candyland game.
16. A Barbie doll of Edward Cullen from Twilight
17. A container of Perler beads
18. JoAnn from JoAnn Fabrics
19. A pair of studded tires
20. A platypus and a kangaroo (at the same time)
21. A Saguaro cactus
22. A double order of General Tso's chicken
23. General Tso's mummified corpse
24. An ashtray full of old cigarette butts
25. Literally almost any other person, place, or thing on earth.

Basically, if someone asked me whether NOT fucking Roger Ailes was the hill I wanted to die on, I would say yes. Unequivocally, 100% and most definitely, yes. 

Roger Ailes (photo: Wikipedia)

Gretchen Carlson (photo:

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