Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Your Stupid Fucking Face Should Come with a Trigger Warning

“Do we, as citizens of this uncomfortable and unpredictable world, have the luxury and privilege of receiving ‘trigger warnings’ before being exposed to disturbing material about subjects like the Holocaust, lynching, murder, and rape?” 

That’s what Lori Horvitz asked in this 2015 op-ed published in The Guardian. One thing Lori Horvitz didn’t ask about, however, was your stupid fucking face. 

Nowhere in this article or anywhere else online can I find anything explaining why your stupid fucking face doesn’t come with a trigger warning.  

Who is "you?," you ask. Good question.

"You" is anyone. You is your spouse. You is your child. It's your co-worker. Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. Your mechanic. Your accountant. Your college professor (especially your college professor). Even Bernie Sanders! Donald Trump? Definitely. You is me, even! 

"You" is anyone and everyone really, because everyone's stupid fucking face triggers something, and everyone deserves to be warned about it.

Critics of trigger warnings say "life doesn't come with trigger warnings," so why should books and stuff. But stupid fucking faces don't come with trigger warnings either, and they should.

Why just this morning my 8 year-old daughter stuck her tongue out at me and said "Yes ma'aaaaaam" in a very sarcastic and what my parents used to call "fresh tone of voice." This triggered a memory from 25 years prior when I slammed the door on my own mother's stupid fucking face as hard as I could and screamed, I HATE YOU, BITCH!!! at the very tippy-top of my lungs.

I was really caught off guard by this memory, and feel I should have been duly warned.

Not three hours later, I found myself on a video-conference with 18 people and couldn't stop staring at myself in the picture in the lower-right hand corner of the screen. The sight of my own stupid fucking face and that of an older administrative assistant on the conference whom I was confident was in menopause made me realize I forgot I was wearing a tampon all night, and might get toxic shock syndrome.

That was super scary for me, and again, I should have been warned.

And that's not even getting into Facebook, and people's Facebook profiles, which definitely and without a doubt 100% need trigger warnings! If your stupid fucking face can't come with a trigger warning, at least your stupid fucking FaceBOOK face should come with one, amirite?!

Like I need to know if I am going to see you making out on the beach with someone in a disgusting, nauseating display of PDA on Valentine's Day. Maybe no one wants to see that shit. Namely me. Did you ever think about that? Well maybe I should unfriend you on Facebook, then?! No! Why should I be the one to accommodate or alter my behavior? I'm just living my life, out there in the world, doing what I can to protect myself from triggers when all of a sudden . . . 

BOOM!

There it is. Your stupid fucking face, with its tongue playing tonsil hockey with another person's stupid fucking face and their tongue on Valentine's Day. Both your stupid fucking faces should come with a trigger warning, because they trigger in me a desperate urge to punch both of you in your stupid fucking throats.

Really, it's only fair.

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