Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Manatee Militia Occupies Federal Wildlife Refuge in Florida

In a move that makes the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge/Bundy family militia in Oregon look like a bunch of Homo Sapiens pussies (to quote our future President Donald Trump), almost 300 manatees have overtaken the federally-managed Three Sisters Springs in Florida, purportedly to fend off cold weather. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service was forced to temporarily close the area to swimming and kayaking in the face of this unprecedented occupation.

Although "Occupy Three Sisters" sounds like a porno flick that future-President Trump might one day bankroll (perhaps starring all three of his ex and current wives?), it's also a major act of mammalian INSURRECTION on the part of this beloved marine animal.

O.H.M. has obtained an exclusive list of the manatees' demands, reproduced verbatim here:
1. Stop calling us "sea cows." It's derogatory!
2. Better access to "receptive females."
3. Inalienable right to consume 10-15% of our body weight per day in saltwater plants such as turtle grass and sea clover.
4. No more ship strikes! Current boat mortality rate = unacceptable!
5. End algal blooms! They have toxic effects on our central nervous systems.
6. Ban monofilament fishing line--it clogs our digestive system and slowly kills us.
7. Turn manatee management back over to manatees, where it belongs.
8.  Eliminate bureaucratic "endangered species" lists issued by Commie enviro NGOs.
9.  Let us manatees get back to what we do best: grazing, mating, and swimming.
10. Two words: Fuck SeaWorld.

The FBI could not be reached for comment.

On a cold evening, large numbers of manatees (Trichechus manatus latirostrus) gather in Three Sisters Spring for the night in this picture dated August 12, 2011.

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