Monday, February 8, 2016

Beyonce’s Titties Are a Menace to Society!

As we all know by now, there is nothing more dangerous or vulgar than tittiesEspecially famous black titties. 

You see, these chocolate bombs of doom directly endanger the lives of the brave men and women in blue who protect us every day on the mean streets of America.

Or so says Rudy Giuliani about Beyonce’s Superbowl halftime show in which the pop star used her considerable talents to make the obvious--and you would think uncontroversial--assertion that black lives matter.

But if you thought that, you'd be wrong. Because Beyonce's performance gave Rudy—irrelevant old white guy and jackboot former mayor of NYC—a case of pious indignation displayed in all its trembling and grandstanding glory on Fox n’ Friends. 

Rudy, whose entire administration I personally lived through in NYC, made this salient point:
This is football, not Hollywood, and I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers who are the people who protect her and protect us, and keep us alive . . . And what we should be doing in the African-American community, and all communities, is build up respect for police officers. And focus on the fact that when something does go wrong, okay. We'll work on that. But the vast majority of police officers risk their lives to keep us safe.
Oh Rudy, you are so smart, my bwain hurts. Indeed. This is OUTRAGEOUS.

This is football don't forget. That wholesome and sacrosanct American family pastime in which grown men violently inflict permanent brain damage on each other for millions of dollars while drunken spectators yell and spit guacamole. 

And yes Rudy, if by "attack police officers" you mean "artistically reference the Black Panther movement" then sure, Beyonce was "attacking police officers." Why not get from A to Z by skipping B through Y? Anyone can follow that soft-baked pretzel logic!

And if by "something" you mean "unarmed black child being shot in the back" and if by "go wrong" you mean "over Skittles or a toy gun" and if by "okay, we'll work on that" you mean "never issue an indictment," or "tamper with evidence," then yes Rudy, when something goes wrong, m'kay. We'll work on that.

Because you see, here's what's so dangerous: Beyonce’s titties. 

Not unarmed black kids getting shot up in 2016 urban America like it's the Alamo. Not zero justice ever being done for their surviving families. Not an entire generation of impoverished and mostly black kids being irreversibly poisoned by a toxic municipal water source while the white state official who oversaw their poisoning throws his wife a secret birthday party featuring a cake shaped like a gift box from Nordstrom.

Nope. 

Once again, it all comes down to titties. Specifically Beyonce's. Let's get our priorities in order, America, and put all the blame for society's ills squarely where it belongs: 

On Beyonce's tits.

Beyonce donned bandoliers as she sang “Formation” during the Super Bowl 50 halftime Show.

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