Monday, February 29, 2016

5 Signs My 5 Year-Old Son is a Walking Testosterone Bomb

1. Preoccupied with his "little marbles": Not long ago in the bath, he asked me: "What are these little marbles in my penis?" I pointed out that they are not technically in his penis; they're in his scrotum, and he needs to take good care of them because those two little shallots are what's keeping him in the game of life.

2. Reprimanded for dropping trou at school and exhibiting his junk to the world: I admit this one upset me for a couple of weeks, until several people who know more about child development than I do insisted it was completely normal. We had the serious private parts talk, of course, which I'm not 100% sure was effective. But I haven't had any more complaints recently, so I'm hoping and assuming he's no longer opening the hot dog stand for business during non-business hours. I still can't get him to stop peeing off the deck, but one step at at a time, right?

3. Claims he “is built for crazy stuff” on skis and likes to do "dangerous things": On the chairlift earlier this year, he let me know in no uncertain terms that I, his mother, am not "built for crazy stuff," but he is, since he likes to "catch air" and I don't. And he often calls to me from another room to come observe him "doing something dangerous." God help me, and God help him make it to adulthood without paralysis or a TBI.

4. Obsessed with projectiles: Though I've discouraged this interest and delivered numerous lectures about guns, he sleeps with his Nerf gun. You know, just in case "the bad guys" show up in the middle of the night. Stomp rockets, light-up darts, and any other projectile will occupy his attention for hours. Basically, he's your average Trump supporter, but in size 3T Minion briefs instead of 2XL bald eagle boxers.

5. Proudly declares he is a “carnivore”: I've tried to encourage a love of fruits and vegetables, but hot dogs, sausage, beef jerky, and bacon (all dipped in ketchup) are the only four food groups he will formally acknowledge. He likes to stand up on his chair at dinner, rip his shirt off, and quite literally roar that he is a "carnivore like T-Rex."

If this is what's happening at 5, I'm definitely very scared for 15.


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