Sunday, January 10, 2016

You Cannot POSSIBLY Publish Something Like This In the NYT and Not Expect IMMEDIATE Crucifixion by Trolls

So let me be one of many to crawl out from under the bridge and bang a nail in the cross, because everything about this wedding announcement in the NYT is just too ridonkulous to go unhated upon.

First, let's get a few things straight: (1) It's mean to make fun of people, and I'm a terrible, self-indulgent person for doing it anyway; (2) Still, sometimes people deserve it; (3) I make fun of myself more than anyone; (4) The idea of a real wedding completely mortified me so I never had one; (5) The idea of a wedding announcement on a cocktail napkin--much less in the fashion-weddings section of The Gray Lady--is even more mortifying to me than a wedding itself; and (6) You've never read a more cloying wedding announcement than this one published by an honest-to-God NYT reporter with a seven-photo slideshow and the title "She Went to a College for a Job, and Found a Husband Too." 

It's hard to tell if this is an actual article or a paid infomercial/self-sponsored content. But Hannah Eddy, 27, and Rodney Andrews, 43, apparently don't share any of my misgivings about weddings or wedding announcements. Nor does this couple have anything else in common with me, as I will explain.

Here's what they want you to know. The black is text from the article with ZERO embellishments by me. My editorials appear in red. 

"If there is a punctuation mark that reflects Hannah Eddy's personality, it is the exclamation point. She is tall, thin, vivacious, and perpetually positive." If there is a punctuation mark that reflects my personality, it is the poop emoji. I am short, squat, neurotic, and perpetually contemptuous of perkiness.

"She is not on Facebook or any other social media sites. Instead, she keeps in touch with friends by mailing them funny, artistic greeting cards with handwritten messages that are generally full of exclamation points." I am on social media all the time, at the expense of my family. I keep in touch with people by responding to them instantly, and am too lazy to walk three blocks to buy stamps. Also, I think the exclamation point is the single most abused form of punctuation in the English language!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The job she currently holds at the University of Kentucky "required 16 interviews, she said." The job I currently hold at not-a-University required 3 interviews and I was super proud of it, until I read that a 27 year-old has a job that required 13 more.

When she met divorced father and chemical engineering professor Rodney Andrews, she was attracted to "his crystal blue eyes and already knew what he looked like because [she] had been Googling him." When I met my then 24-year old husband at a house party in Queens, I shared a cab back home with him and three other people, and we shook hands and said goodbye awkwardly. Then when he called me a week later, I had some other dude over at my apartment.  

They courted over coffee, and Ms. Eddy always ordered "a grande extra hot skinny cinnamon dolce latte." Anyone who orders "a grande extra hot skinny cinnamon dolce latte" should be immediately punched in the throat.

Her car is "impeccably perfect most of the time and his is a total disaster," she said. My car is a 2005 Subaru Forester with 125,000 miles on it and counting, mold all over the upholstery, a huge crack in the front windshield, dried taco sauce embedded in the gear shift, and my piggish kids' garbage strewn over every surface not marred by crayon. 

Professor Andrews proved through a chemical test that Ms. Eddy is a "super taster." I know people who've had this test, and sorry, but I don't buy it for a second. Super tasters are the new adult picky eaters, which is fine, but let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

Her "beautiful pearl-drop wedding necklace!" [sic.] was paid for with a $500 gift card from Volkswagen that Professor Andrews received during the Volkswagen emissions scandal. The last time I wore a necklace it aggravated the eczema on my neck. Before that, all my necklaces were made of hemp and smelled like sweat. The last time I spent $500 at once was to fix a busted boiler.

"They were married at the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver, and like a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, an enormous chandelier constructed of lights and crystals hung above people drinking tea in the historic lobby." I was married in my in-laws' living room on Long Island wearing an outfit that my uncle said made me look like a prosecutor, surrounded by my mother-in-law's collection of little crystal mice and elephants carefully arranged on a composite wood credenza. My sister-in-law presided over the "ceremony." Afterwards, we had lasagna.

"The couple exchanged rings made of different materials: hers was platinum, while his was cobalt chrome, a material he described as "indestructible" and chose only after considering many other materials, including  . . . dinosaur bones and metals contained in meteorites." We bought our wedding bands next to a gas station in Eagle River, Alaska. I have no idea what they're made of. There's a fake velociraptor fossil and glow-in-the-dark stars in my son's bedroom though, so I might look into adding some of that shit to my jewelry.
Stock photo of some random bride model.

2 comments:

  1. As bad as this is... and it's really bad... it could be worse. These people could be nice, and, god-forbid, thoughtful.

    ReplyDelete