Friday, January 15, 2016

"#CookieCott" Will Make You Barf Up a Whole Sleeve of Thin Mints

From the shadowy cabal that brought you the "Planned Parenthood-Sells-Baby-Parts" hoax comes a sweet, crunchy, chewy, tender, ESCANDALO aimed at the Girl Scouts. And if you have even two brain cells to rub together, it will make you barf up the half-dozen frozen thin mints you just ate for breakfast. 

It's Girl Scout cookie season, which means it's time to escort my second-grade daughter door-to-door and hit up my colleagues and neighbors for cookie orders. That way, people who love Girl Scout Cookies can have their delicious processed crap fix, and my kid can feel proud of herself while she makes change for a five and gets psyched up about camp-outs.

It's also once again time for the American Life League and similar organizations to sell half-baked lies to anyone willing to pop them in their mouths and gobble 'em down without chewing. 

This year, the organizers of "CookieCott" want 'Murica to believe that the Girl Scouts has a "partnership" with Planned Parenthood, and that if you buy six boxes of Tagalongs and three boxes of Samoas from your next door neighbor, you might as well be reaching into a teenage girl's 20-weeks pregnant uterus and committing infanticide with your own two hands.

The Girl Scouts--accused in the foregoing circles of having a "radical feminist agenda," "leftist politics," and a "pro-abortion mind-set"--has denied any relationship with Planned Parenthood, which let's say for the sake of argument would be a bad thing in the first place. 

But of course, that doesn't stop people who are deeply committed to defaming and destroying any organization or entity that promotes the strength, autonomy, health, and well-being of girls and women. See, other than being the wholly undeserving target of a slanderous, libelous, preposterous urban legend, that's one dubious distinction that the Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood actually do share in common.

Because that's what this is really all about, isn't it? No one in their right mind actually believes that Planned Parenthood sells baby parts. Or sells baby parts to the Girl Scouts so a Brownie troop can make badges out of fetal tissue and mix up a batch of Trefoils with aborted cord blood as the second ingredient after partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Well, maybe a few gullible consumers of this bullshit believe that, but I guarantee none of its purveyors do.

Let's get real. This is about empowerment, or more aptly, disempowerment. 

Here are two large, significant, and relatively powerful non-profits dedicated to essentially the same thing: empowering girls and women. Helping them be confident. Helping them make their own choices. Teaching them that they have the last word on their bodies. Encouraging education and mindfulness. Promoting autonomy and independence. Educating them on how to be critical thinkers and stewards of their own lives. And well, heh heh, there's no bigger threat than that, is there?

I have three words for that: Fuck. That. Shit. I don't even like Girl Scout cookies, but I'm doubling my order this year.

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