Monday, September 24, 2018

I Have a Leaked Diary Entry from 1982 Brett Kavanaugh!

Monday, July 12, 1982

Dear Diary,

Last weekend was totally clutch.

On Sunday, Biff and I took his dad’s yacht out for a quick sail on the Potomac and talked about all the slutty co-ed bitches we’re gonna bang at Yale this fall. I’ll miss my football teammates and boys from Georgetown Prep, but fortunately most of them will be just a train ride away at Harvard. I’ll probably see Trey at Head of the Charles. 

We’re gonna get SO wasted! I’ll be sure to pack extra pairs of pink shorts and Izod polo shirts and boat shoes in case I barf on myself. I can’t wait to go to my first Skull & Bones meeting and pledge DKE and Truth & Courage (aka Tit & Clit) and carry around flags with girls’ panties (No means yes, yes means anal!)

It’s a good thing I am SO smart, and also rich. My Daddy has SO much money. I’m also very good at basketball. I’m better than almost every black guy! 

Right, Diary?

When I grow up, I will b
e a Supreme Court Justice. So it’s very important that I never smoke weed and become treasurer of the Federalist Society and not get caught watching porn on VHS. Fortunately no one in Congress cares about gang rape and groping and drunk sluts because, well, that house party Saturday night was bodacious. 

I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I think Kip and I took turns with a few different girls and I’m pretty sure they were blown away by my moves and the size of my junk. I have the biggest penis inside the Beltway!

Right, Diary? 

Speaking of belts and D.C., I hope someday to use my intimate knowledge of blow jobs to help impeach a Democratic president for getting one. Like I said, I don’t remember exactly what happened last night—hopefully I didn’t slip one past the goalie so to speak, but if I did, oh well! That’s that whore’s problem, right?

With any luck, no one will ever find this diary. (It has a special lock on it). Even if they do, I know all of Daddy’s friends on the Senate Judiciary Committee will protect me when the time comes.

Okay, I have to go lift weights with Thatcher and Briggs before some ghetto thug on scholarship tries to dunk on me.


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